I honestly cannot believe that it has been three years and four months since my last post. I mean I know that I have drifted away from writing, even though my fingers have longed to type so many times and my heart has pinned to pour itself out onto a page, but three years???? If you have ever watched the Disney movie Aladdin, then you know the title of this post is a spin on Genie's famous words as he is finally freed from his lamp. He says "Ten thousand years can give you such a crick in the neck!" Well, turns out three years of living can give you such a pain in the heart! In fact it seems sometimes that one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month, one year can give you a pain in the heart. Just LIVING comes with having pains of the heart and let's be honest, those pains of the heart can at times leave us immobile. We move but we are unable to move forward. Life keeps moving forward and physically we are moving forward but inside our heart we are stuck. It only takes the smallest of events to begin a hemorrhaging of pain simply because we cannot stand to look the pain in the eye and give it a name. Instead, we begin living a life where on the outside we appear to have a pulse but on the inside we are dead.
These last three years have taken me on a journey I did not expect. I am estranged from my father. I lost an entire support group of friends I called "family". I watched someone I love fall headfirst into the deep throws of addiction. I watched the heaviness of depression steal joy from my child. It seems I can jump from one day feeling like I have things together to being painfully aware that in a split second my pain from the past or present can take the driver's seat and derail my life. However, with time, space, and Jesus, I am slowly moving forward. I am making better choices for myself. I set boundaries in my relationships with others and I hold to it. I am working to CHOOSE the lens in which I see things and events, to remember what really matters. I do my best now to name the pain as it comes.... abandonment, rejection, disappointment, judgment, self hate..... because When I give name to the pain, it comes out of hiding into the place of light. In the light, Jesus can minister to my pain. He shows me where the pain originates from and then helps me to deal with it. If I leave the pain hidden, it consumes me and rules me. I am not in control the pain is and I do not make good choices when pain is running the show. But when I surrender to the light and I trust Jesus to run the show, I can breathe, I am alive. I have rest and I am at peace. Right now in my journey, I am not perfect at this art of surrendering my pain and I may never be perfect at it but then again Jesus doesn't expect perfection. I am so thankful for that.
Until the next time (which I hope will not be three years),
Angela
"For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord, Walk as children of the light for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true, and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them."- Ephesians 5:8-11
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