Hands down one of the most insane time in a teacher's year is the week of parent teacher conferences. There is an unbelievable amount of prep work that is needed in order to have a twenty minute conversation about a student's progress. Weeks before the prep work for the conference even begin, a teacher has spent time giving and analyzing numerous assessments in various content areas which allow the formulation of a grade which then goes on a report card. Transferring that data onto a computerized form then takes about five minutes a child (I know because I timed it). On top of that, the teacher has made sure every student has taken the mandated "testing" needed to rate the student in reading and math. Teachers have collected work samples, printed off report after report, collected needed lists, and created conference notes. They then spend time organizing those items into folders so that they are prepared and efficient when it is time to meet with the parents. All while being responsible for this, and expected to get EVERY parent to show up to a conference, teachers are still required to teach content (and be responsible for between 20 to 35 kids) for 6.5 hours a day. So the regular expectations for the job still apply. You know what else still applies? The regular expectations of life. A teacher's bills still need to be paid, dinner still needs to be made, the house still needs cleaning, the lawn still needs mowing, spouses still need connection and quality time, sons and daughters still need to be at practice on time or supported during games or concerts. This is a HUGE thing and DIFFICULT thing to juggle. Change the name of the profession and the list of responsibilities and the results will be no different. Juggling work and family for any adult is unbelievably hard and insane at times.
It is during these times that I feel most emotionally vulnerable. Probably because of the fast pace of life at the time and the lack of sleep, but my mind and heart become more sensitive to seeing all the ways of how I am failing at this juggling act. Realizing how much my husband steps in to help me with the house and kids and then receiving his attentive concern and care for me at the end of a long day makes me feel terrible instead of loved and cared for. Realizing that I might not have even checked in with my kid to see how her day or practice was makes me feel neglectful. My mind and heart focus not on the good things I'm doing or receiving from others but begins to hyper focus on the ways I am "letting others down." Throw in well meaning family members judgment about the choices you are making for your family and well............ you can just hear the emotional breakdown coming from a mile away.
That's what I felt this year during conference week. Mid week of conferences I could see myself standing on that platform just waiting for the train to come in. I was feeling the exhaustion, feeling the fight and the anxiety of white knuckling my week and working feverishly to stay on top of it all. All the while waiting for my appointed time to board the breakdown express and have a good cry over what a failure I was at life. One morning on the way to work, I realized that my heart was clouded with negativity and it really was not serving me well. I realized I did not want a ticket on the Breakdown Express. I wanted to take back control of my thoughts and my heart but I didn't know how. That's when I was reminded of the title of this blog "my heart for his." I stopped and asked myself "Angela, Do you really want that? Do you really want God's heart? Do you want to see your life and the people in it from his perspective and not yours? Is your blog title just that, a cute title or is it your desire- to be more like Christ and less like yourself?" In that moment, I opened up my hands and I said to God "I surrender this heart of mine to you. I want to exchange this clouded, negative, sad heart for yours. I am standing here trying to crush this heart in my hands and I don't want that anymore. Please give me your heart for mine. Take my painful and broken heart and give me your whole one. I just can't do this without you."
I would love to say that after that moment, the list of responsibilities changed and instantly I was absolved of all the to dos and expectations that were wearing me down but that didn't happen. What did happen was that my heart received a peace, a fullness of love, and a rest from the negativity. My focus and perspective shifted from seeing my failures to seeing all the ways that God's love was alive and caring for me through the kindness of others. Every idle, negative, good for nothing thought was taken captive and I felt renewed to be an active participant in the story God was writing for my life. I was reminded that I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be surrendered. His grace is enough.
If you are struggling today, I encourage you to surrender to the love of Christ. He won't tell you that you are a failure. He won't hold up a list of all the things you are doing wrong. He loves you completely. He sees you as perfect. He wants to walk with you, partner with you, work through you. He wants to share in your struggles, in your joys, in your life. Trust him today, you will not regret it.
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