So it's April of the 2020 Covid-19 pandemic and everything is different from what it used to be. Changes have happened to almost every area of our daily lives from how we procure necessities like toilet paper and meat to where and how we do our jobs, how close we can stand together when we talk, how many people can be together at one time, and where we attend church. People are wondering where the origin of this awful virus came from and when will it find its ending.
During these weeks of social distancing, which was also leading up to Easter weekend last week, I have spent time reading through the book of John. I read one chapter a day and spent time highlighting and digging deeper into the things that spoke to my heart. I decided that after I had read through the book, and if we were still social distancing, I would go back and reread it again, only this time I would give life to my thoughts and record them here on this blog. So today is the origin of the journey of documenting my walk with Jesus through the book of John.
The word origin is defined as "the point or place where something begins, arises, or derives," (Merriam-Webster), "the point at which something comes into existence," (Free dictionary), and "the beginning or cause of something." (Cambridge) Upon my first reading of John, I noticed that John did not begin the way other gospels began. He did not give an account of the lineage of Jesus, thus establishing the origin of his right to Kingship, as in the Gospel of Matthew. He did not describe the steps taken before Jesus began his ministry, thus showing the origin of that ministry, as in the Gospel of Mark. He did not lay out the foretelling by angels of the births of both John the Baptist and Jesus, thus establishing the origin of order that fulfilled prophecy, as in the Gospel of Luke. Even though John's Gospel began differently, upon this second reading of the first chapter I can see that is is clearly a story of origin as well.
John's opening in John 1:1-5 details the origin of Jesus before coming to be God with us, God made flesh, our Emmanuel. These verses establish Jesus as being in heaven with God at the very beginning. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God." (John 1:1,2 ESV) This is a deeper sense of origin than in the other gospels. An origin before our time and space began. John's words then go on to show us a beautiful picture of the origin of everything we know to be, including ourselves. In these versus, Jesus is on display as Creator and in full authority before anything else came into being and in authority over all that came into being. He himself is the point of origin for everything. "All things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men." (John 1:3,4 ESV)
Those four verses are packed with establishing the origin of Jesus as sovereign over all but it is verse 5 that gives me the most comfort and hope in these troubling times of pandemic. After setting Jesus's role as life and establishing that this life is the light of men, verse 5 goes on to say that "the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." This is a truth that right now is important to keep in perspective and hold on to. I can take comfort that Jesus was before the beginning of things and that he created all things through himself but, I can also take comfort in knowing that his life, his light was not, has not, and will not be overcome by darkness. Because I believe in him and in the one who sent him, that same light/his light resides in me. When I feel fear or uncertainty at what will be, when theories of the origin of Covid-19 try to keep me up at night, when I fret about how long this period of time will last and will all the people I love endure, I can be encouraged that darkness does not have authority to overcome light. I do not have to allow the light in me to be swallowed up by the fear, division, and destruction darkness wants to cause.
I am grateful to these five verses written by John and their establishment of Jesus' origin . First, these verses increase my faith of who has watch and care over me. Second, they realign my perspective and thoughts when the world around me is teeming with chaos. Last, these verses and especially verse 5 increase my hope that we will not be trapped in a time of loss forever. Times right now are sad, they are bad, and they may or will increase in sadness and loss but that will not be the last word. Darkness does not get to have the last word, light does. Light had the first word and it will have the last. So with that knowledge, I will do my best to share the light, spread hope and love, use the wisdom God gave me to listen to doctors and make good decisions, and trust in him when I don't understand all the rest.
Saturday, April 18, 2020
Sunday, March 31, 2019
Juggling all the way to Breakdown Express
Hands down one of the most insane time in a teacher's year is the week of parent teacher conferences. There is an unbelievable amount of prep work that is needed in order to have a twenty minute conversation about a student's progress. Weeks before the prep work for the conference even begin, a teacher has spent time giving and analyzing numerous assessments in various content areas which allow the formulation of a grade which then goes on a report card. Transferring that data onto a computerized form then takes about five minutes a child (I know because I timed it). On top of that, the teacher has made sure every student has taken the mandated "testing" needed to rate the student in reading and math. Teachers have collected work samples, printed off report after report, collected needed lists, and created conference notes. They then spend time organizing those items into folders so that they are prepared and efficient when it is time to meet with the parents. All while being responsible for this, and expected to get EVERY parent to show up to a conference, teachers are still required to teach content (and be responsible for between 20 to 35 kids) for 6.5 hours a day. So the regular expectations for the job still apply. You know what else still applies? The regular expectations of life. A teacher's bills still need to be paid, dinner still needs to be made, the house still needs cleaning, the lawn still needs mowing, spouses still need connection and quality time, sons and daughters still need to be at practice on time or supported during games or concerts. This is a HUGE thing and DIFFICULT thing to juggle. Change the name of the profession and the list of responsibilities and the results will be no different. Juggling work and family for any adult is unbelievably hard and insane at times.
It is during these times that I feel most emotionally vulnerable. Probably because of the fast pace of life at the time and the lack of sleep, but my mind and heart become more sensitive to seeing all the ways of how I am failing at this juggling act. Realizing how much my husband steps in to help me with the house and kids and then receiving his attentive concern and care for me at the end of a long day makes me feel terrible instead of loved and cared for. Realizing that I might not have even checked in with my kid to see how her day or practice was makes me feel neglectful. My mind and heart focus not on the good things I'm doing or receiving from others but begins to hyper focus on the ways I am "letting others down." Throw in well meaning family members judgment about the choices you are making for your family and well............ you can just hear the emotional breakdown coming from a mile away.
That's what I felt this year during conference week. Mid week of conferences I could see myself standing on that platform just waiting for the train to come in. I was feeling the exhaustion, feeling the fight and the anxiety of white knuckling my week and working feverishly to stay on top of it all. All the while waiting for my appointed time to board the breakdown express and have a good cry over what a failure I was at life. One morning on the way to work, I realized that my heart was clouded with negativity and it really was not serving me well. I realized I did not want a ticket on the Breakdown Express. I wanted to take back control of my thoughts and my heart but I didn't know how. That's when I was reminded of the title of this blog "my heart for his." I stopped and asked myself "Angela, Do you really want that? Do you really want God's heart? Do you want to see your life and the people in it from his perspective and not yours? Is your blog title just that, a cute title or is it your desire- to be more like Christ and less like yourself?" In that moment, I opened up my hands and I said to God "I surrender this heart of mine to you. I want to exchange this clouded, negative, sad heart for yours. I am standing here trying to crush this heart in my hands and I don't want that anymore. Please give me your heart for mine. Take my painful and broken heart and give me your whole one. I just can't do this without you."
I would love to say that after that moment, the list of responsibilities changed and instantly I was absolved of all the to dos and expectations that were wearing me down but that didn't happen. What did happen was that my heart received a peace, a fullness of love, and a rest from the negativity. My focus and perspective shifted from seeing my failures to seeing all the ways that God's love was alive and caring for me through the kindness of others. Every idle, negative, good for nothing thought was taken captive and I felt renewed to be an active participant in the story God was writing for my life. I was reminded that I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be surrendered. His grace is enough.
If you are struggling today, I encourage you to surrender to the love of Christ. He won't tell you that you are a failure. He won't hold up a list of all the things you are doing wrong. He loves you completely. He sees you as perfect. He wants to walk with you, partner with you, work through you. He wants to share in your struggles, in your joys, in your life. Trust him today, you will not regret it.
It is during these times that I feel most emotionally vulnerable. Probably because of the fast pace of life at the time and the lack of sleep, but my mind and heart become more sensitive to seeing all the ways of how I am failing at this juggling act. Realizing how much my husband steps in to help me with the house and kids and then receiving his attentive concern and care for me at the end of a long day makes me feel terrible instead of loved and cared for. Realizing that I might not have even checked in with my kid to see how her day or practice was makes me feel neglectful. My mind and heart focus not on the good things I'm doing or receiving from others but begins to hyper focus on the ways I am "letting others down." Throw in well meaning family members judgment about the choices you are making for your family and well............ you can just hear the emotional breakdown coming from a mile away.
That's what I felt this year during conference week. Mid week of conferences I could see myself standing on that platform just waiting for the train to come in. I was feeling the exhaustion, feeling the fight and the anxiety of white knuckling my week and working feverishly to stay on top of it all. All the while waiting for my appointed time to board the breakdown express and have a good cry over what a failure I was at life. One morning on the way to work, I realized that my heart was clouded with negativity and it really was not serving me well. I realized I did not want a ticket on the Breakdown Express. I wanted to take back control of my thoughts and my heart but I didn't know how. That's when I was reminded of the title of this blog "my heart for his." I stopped and asked myself "Angela, Do you really want that? Do you really want God's heart? Do you want to see your life and the people in it from his perspective and not yours? Is your blog title just that, a cute title or is it your desire- to be more like Christ and less like yourself?" In that moment, I opened up my hands and I said to God "I surrender this heart of mine to you. I want to exchange this clouded, negative, sad heart for yours. I am standing here trying to crush this heart in my hands and I don't want that anymore. Please give me your heart for mine. Take my painful and broken heart and give me your whole one. I just can't do this without you."
I would love to say that after that moment, the list of responsibilities changed and instantly I was absolved of all the to dos and expectations that were wearing me down but that didn't happen. What did happen was that my heart received a peace, a fullness of love, and a rest from the negativity. My focus and perspective shifted from seeing my failures to seeing all the ways that God's love was alive and caring for me through the kindness of others. Every idle, negative, good for nothing thought was taken captive and I felt renewed to be an active participant in the story God was writing for my life. I was reminded that I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be surrendered. His grace is enough.
If you are struggling today, I encourage you to surrender to the love of Christ. He won't tell you that you are a failure. He won't hold up a list of all the things you are doing wrong. He loves you completely. He sees you as perfect. He wants to walk with you, partner with you, work through you. He wants to share in your struggles, in your joys, in your life. Trust him today, you will not regret it.
Monday, March 18, 2019
"Three years will give you such a pain in the heart!"
I honestly cannot believe that it has been three years and four months since my last post. I mean I know that I have drifted away from writing, even though my fingers have longed to type so many times and my heart has pinned to pour itself out onto a page, but three years???? If you have ever watched the Disney movie Aladdin, then you know the title of this post is a spin on Genie's famous words as he is finally freed from his lamp. He says "Ten thousand years can give you such a crick in the neck!" Well, turns out three years of living can give you such a pain in the heart! In fact it seems sometimes that one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month, one year can give you a pain in the heart. Just LIVING comes with having pains of the heart and let's be honest, those pains of the heart can at times leave us immobile. We move but we are unable to move forward. Life keeps moving forward and physically we are moving forward but inside our heart we are stuck. It only takes the smallest of events to begin a hemorrhaging of pain simply because we cannot stand to look the pain in the eye and give it a name. Instead, we begin living a life where on the outside we appear to have a pulse but on the inside we are dead.
These last three years have taken me on a journey I did not expect. I am estranged from my father. I lost an entire support group of friends I called "family". I watched someone I love fall headfirst into the deep throws of addiction. I watched the heaviness of depression steal joy from my child. It seems I can jump from one day feeling like I have things together to being painfully aware that in a split second my pain from the past or present can take the driver's seat and derail my life. However, with time, space, and Jesus, I am slowly moving forward. I am making better choices for myself. I set boundaries in my relationships with others and I hold to it. I am working to CHOOSE the lens in which I see things and events, to remember what really matters. I do my best now to name the pain as it comes.... abandonment, rejection, disappointment, judgment, self hate..... because When I give name to the pain, it comes out of hiding into the place of light. In the light, Jesus can minister to my pain. He shows me where the pain originates from and then helps me to deal with it. If I leave the pain hidden, it consumes me and rules me. I am not in control the pain is and I do not make good choices when pain is running the show. But when I surrender to the light and I trust Jesus to run the show, I can breathe, I am alive. I have rest and I am at peace. Right now in my journey, I am not perfect at this art of surrendering my pain and I may never be perfect at it but then again Jesus doesn't expect perfection. I am so thankful for that.
Until the next time (which I hope will not be three years),
Angela
"For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord, Walk as children of the light for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true, and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them."- Ephesians 5:8-11
These last three years have taken me on a journey I did not expect. I am estranged from my father. I lost an entire support group of friends I called "family". I watched someone I love fall headfirst into the deep throws of addiction. I watched the heaviness of depression steal joy from my child. It seems I can jump from one day feeling like I have things together to being painfully aware that in a split second my pain from the past or present can take the driver's seat and derail my life. However, with time, space, and Jesus, I am slowly moving forward. I am making better choices for myself. I set boundaries in my relationships with others and I hold to it. I am working to CHOOSE the lens in which I see things and events, to remember what really matters. I do my best now to name the pain as it comes.... abandonment, rejection, disappointment, judgment, self hate..... because When I give name to the pain, it comes out of hiding into the place of light. In the light, Jesus can minister to my pain. He shows me where the pain originates from and then helps me to deal with it. If I leave the pain hidden, it consumes me and rules me. I am not in control the pain is and I do not make good choices when pain is running the show. But when I surrender to the light and I trust Jesus to run the show, I can breathe, I am alive. I have rest and I am at peace. Right now in my journey, I am not perfect at this art of surrendering my pain and I may never be perfect at it but then again Jesus doesn't expect perfection. I am so thankful for that.
Until the next time (which I hope will not be three years),
Angela
"For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord, Walk as children of the light for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true, and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord. Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them."- Ephesians 5:8-11
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Choosing the good
We are entering the first holiday season since my parents' home burnt to the ground in February. Much has been lost. All of their earthly possessions- gone. All of their comforts- gone. All of their conveniences- gone. As the months drug on after the fire and the search for returning to some kind of normal began, the lack of things made the lack of relationship, respect, and communication in my parents' marriage abundantly clear. What had been hidden and not dealt with for decades was laid out wide. Choices have been made and now yet another thing has been laid in the rubble of loss- my parents 42 year long marriage.
This holiday season, will not be gathered in my parents home with my entire family. I will not enter into my mother's house, all decorated with the most beautiful fall decor you have ever seen, and sit down at her table set with care. I will not eat off the brilliant golden Tierra dishes, I looked so forward to displaying on my Thanksgiving table some day. We will not look at the long counter of holiday foods and tease my mother by saying "It's buffet style fellers!" Much has changed in nine months, both in physical locations of where everyone resides and in our hearts. In those first months after the fire, I witnessed beautiful hearts come forward to help and such an outpouring of generosity towards my mom and dad. I will be forever grateful to all who donated money, clothing, their time, and their prayers in the few months after the fire. You gave my parents the ability to be clothed, comforted, and safe. I have also witnessed the ugliest actions from hearts sworn to love one another. Hurtful words between father and son, father and daughter, husband and wife. I stand here at the first holiday of this season and I am gravely aware of my choices. My choice to focus on loss or to focus on gratitude. My choice to harbor unforgivness or forgive. My choice to choose hate or choose love.
And so I choose what is good...........I choose to be grateful. I choose to forgive. I choose love. Because choosing those things move me forward. Those choices make me grow and learn. Making those choices everyday heal my heart. And make no mistake, making that choice everyday is not always an easy task. Choosing to be grateful, forgive, and love does not diminish the hurt at the loss we have experienced and are still experiencing. But choosing the good means that instead of seeing the loss of a future, I see the beauty of fresh starts. I see the promise of restoration that is more full and real and whole than what we had before. I see that in letting go of bitterness I gain freedom. I see that God has taken our focus off of things and put it back on where it should be- how we show our love for one another.
People over things is the new way of life. Trading in weakness for the strength of Jesus is common place now. Having faith that he has written a story that has a good ending, no matter what circumstances right now say, is sustaining the journey. Healthy boundaries is not a dirty word but wisdom that brings protection. I am grateful for friends that will take you in. I am grateful for the prayers of saints. I am grateful for generous empathetic hearts. For clarity born out of tragedy. For healing that is ongoing. I am grateful that my loved ones grow stronger and wiser everyday. That we are doing the work to get well. I am grateful that God is faithful and filled with loving kindness towards us every minute of everyday. That miracles still happen.
Much love to you and yours this holiday season. Make the good choices everyday that you wake up. Even when it is hard. Be in control of how you respond to despair. Choose to show Christ's great love by your good and kind actions to others. Die to self daily and live for Jesus. Trust in him because he is the Prince of Peace, sustainer of life.
John 13:34-35 "Let me give you a new command; Love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples- when they see the love you have for each other."
Psalm 107:1 "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, his love endures forever."
Galatians 6:9 "So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up."
Phillippians 4:4 "Always be filled with joy in the Lord. I will say it again. Be filled with joy. Let everyone see that you are gentle and kind."
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
This holiday season, will not be gathered in my parents home with my entire family. I will not enter into my mother's house, all decorated with the most beautiful fall decor you have ever seen, and sit down at her table set with care. I will not eat off the brilliant golden Tierra dishes, I looked so forward to displaying on my Thanksgiving table some day. We will not look at the long counter of holiday foods and tease my mother by saying "It's buffet style fellers!" Much has changed in nine months, both in physical locations of where everyone resides and in our hearts. In those first months after the fire, I witnessed beautiful hearts come forward to help and such an outpouring of generosity towards my mom and dad. I will be forever grateful to all who donated money, clothing, their time, and their prayers in the few months after the fire. You gave my parents the ability to be clothed, comforted, and safe. I have also witnessed the ugliest actions from hearts sworn to love one another. Hurtful words between father and son, father and daughter, husband and wife. I stand here at the first holiday of this season and I am gravely aware of my choices. My choice to focus on loss or to focus on gratitude. My choice to harbor unforgivness or forgive. My choice to choose hate or choose love.
And so I choose what is good...........I choose to be grateful. I choose to forgive. I choose love. Because choosing those things move me forward. Those choices make me grow and learn. Making those choices everyday heal my heart. And make no mistake, making that choice everyday is not always an easy task. Choosing to be grateful, forgive, and love does not diminish the hurt at the loss we have experienced and are still experiencing. But choosing the good means that instead of seeing the loss of a future, I see the beauty of fresh starts. I see the promise of restoration that is more full and real and whole than what we had before. I see that in letting go of bitterness I gain freedom. I see that God has taken our focus off of things and put it back on where it should be- how we show our love for one another.
People over things is the new way of life. Trading in weakness for the strength of Jesus is common place now. Having faith that he has written a story that has a good ending, no matter what circumstances right now say, is sustaining the journey. Healthy boundaries is not a dirty word but wisdom that brings protection. I am grateful for friends that will take you in. I am grateful for the prayers of saints. I am grateful for generous empathetic hearts. For clarity born out of tragedy. For healing that is ongoing. I am grateful that my loved ones grow stronger and wiser everyday. That we are doing the work to get well. I am grateful that God is faithful and filled with loving kindness towards us every minute of everyday. That miracles still happen.
Much love to you and yours this holiday season. Make the good choices everyday that you wake up. Even when it is hard. Be in control of how you respond to despair. Choose to show Christ's great love by your good and kind actions to others. Die to self daily and live for Jesus. Trust in him because he is the Prince of Peace, sustainer of life.
John 13:34-35 "Let me give you a new command; Love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples- when they see the love you have for each other."
Psalm 107:1 "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, his love endures forever."
Galatians 6:9 "So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up."
Phillippians 4:4 "Always be filled with joy in the Lord. I will say it again. Be filled with joy. Let everyone see that you are gentle and kind."
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
Friday, June 19, 2015
First steps
As I said in an earlier post, my new word for this year is self control. I am praying about areas in my life where I need the Holy Spirit to teach me self control. The main area I have always felt most out of control is food. I have struggled with weight my whole life. As a teen, it was always brought to my attention. I was bribed with a myriad of things to entice me to loose weight. Needless to say, much of my thought life was consumed by thoughts about weight but never in a helpful way. It was always negative. Negative about myself, negative about my efforts, negative about my results. I would try and fail. Try and fail. I seemed to be valued by others according to my weight and I percieved that value to be pretty low due to my failures to loose what was obviously making me less to others. So clearly..... DECADES of this has not really made me too confident or secure in my abilities to get the weight off or overcome my lack of self control in this area.
And yet, this is the area I feel called to be led in. I joined and began going to Weight Watcher meetings in January. I shared with my weekly ladies small group that I had joined. I asked them to pray for me that God would help me learn to have self control with food. I shared that what I really desired from this journey was to see that within self control, there was freedom. I admitted that I really did not know what that looked like but I wanted to learn. Those ladies were wonderful to me. They listened, they encouraged, and they prayed. When we were done, one lady said God wanted me to tell you to "Fix the relationship you have with food. When you fix the relationship, it will be done." What a very good word to my very rebellious heart. The thought of really thinking about my relationship with food was scary and exciting. Scary because I knew what I would find would probably not make me very happy. Exciting because recognizing that food was an unhealthy relationship in my life would most certainly bring good changes. But could I look myself in the eye and really have a conversation with my head and my heart about food and what it had become to me? Did I have hope that I could change when all other attempts have failed?
A few weeks and a snow day later, I sat down by the fire to have that conversation. I thought about my actions, thoughts, and feelings in relation to food. Then I made a list of my beliefs about food
1. Food equals pleasure.
2. Food equals celebration.
3. Food equals bonding.
4. Food equals accomplishment and creativity.
5. Food equals lavish indulgence.
6. Food equals freedom.
I took a break, said a prayer, and then asked myself about the realities of having these beliefs. In acting from my belief system with food, what was really happening? Was food really bringing me all of this or had food become an unhealthy addiction with negative results in my life? The next list came to me
1. Food = addiction
2. Food= unhealthy habits
3. Food= unhealthy coorelations
4. Food= negative self image
5. Food= rebellion
6. Food = bondage
And that was enough soul searching for that day! I was left with truths on the page. Truths to help me think about my relationship. Truths to guide my self control journey. Truths that were both scary and exciting just like I thought. Truths that I need to come back to and explore deeper to know and understand myself better. Truths that have brought hope that I can truly change.
Yesterday at my Weight Watchers meeting, I got my 25 pound charm. I have actually lost almost 30 pounds now. That is the most that I have ever lost in my 38 years of life! I am going to be on this journey for a while now but, I have already found an answer to the prayer I asked those sweet small group ladies to pray. I have found that there is freedom in self control. There is freedom in making mindful choices, better choices, healthier choices.
And yet, this is the area I feel called to be led in. I joined and began going to Weight Watcher meetings in January. I shared with my weekly ladies small group that I had joined. I asked them to pray for me that God would help me learn to have self control with food. I shared that what I really desired from this journey was to see that within self control, there was freedom. I admitted that I really did not know what that looked like but I wanted to learn. Those ladies were wonderful to me. They listened, they encouraged, and they prayed. When we were done, one lady said God wanted me to tell you to "Fix the relationship you have with food. When you fix the relationship, it will be done." What a very good word to my very rebellious heart. The thought of really thinking about my relationship with food was scary and exciting. Scary because I knew what I would find would probably not make me very happy. Exciting because recognizing that food was an unhealthy relationship in my life would most certainly bring good changes. But could I look myself in the eye and really have a conversation with my head and my heart about food and what it had become to me? Did I have hope that I could change when all other attempts have failed?
A few weeks and a snow day later, I sat down by the fire to have that conversation. I thought about my actions, thoughts, and feelings in relation to food. Then I made a list of my beliefs about food
1. Food equals pleasure.
2. Food equals celebration.
3. Food equals bonding.
4. Food equals accomplishment and creativity.
5. Food equals lavish indulgence.
6. Food equals freedom.
I took a break, said a prayer, and then asked myself about the realities of having these beliefs. In acting from my belief system with food, what was really happening? Was food really bringing me all of this or had food become an unhealthy addiction with negative results in my life? The next list came to me
1. Food = addiction
2. Food= unhealthy habits
3. Food= unhealthy coorelations
4. Food= negative self image
5. Food= rebellion
6. Food = bondage
And that was enough soul searching for that day! I was left with truths on the page. Truths to help me think about my relationship. Truths to guide my self control journey. Truths that were both scary and exciting just like I thought. Truths that I need to come back to and explore deeper to know and understand myself better. Truths that have brought hope that I can truly change.
Yesterday at my Weight Watchers meeting, I got my 25 pound charm. I have actually lost almost 30 pounds now. That is the most that I have ever lost in my 38 years of life! I am going to be on this journey for a while now but, I have already found an answer to the prayer I asked those sweet small group ladies to pray. I have found that there is freedom in self control. There is freedom in making mindful choices, better choices, healthier choices.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Faith (a post from my husband)
Thought I’d share today about something I’m seeing in a new way. I find it interesting that now and then, without me researching or reading what others say about a subject, the Holy Spirit will just guide me into a deeper understanding. I pray and He talks back. Ooooh scary. Isn’t this the way the Bible was written? What did the writers of the Bible read? Well, the New Testament guys read the Old Testament.. but what did OT guys read? Nothing! Weren’t they just people too, just people with a seeking heart for God? If God spoke to them, couldn’t we do the same thing? It’s cool… I hope you all have those kinds of experiences too and if not, just start praying out loud and then have a time at the end or somewhere in the middle to just be quiet. There’s something to the practice of praying out loud and then “listening.” I used to just pray inside my head. By praying out loud, I often find that still, small voice reach out to me and place a thought into my head which answers or leads me in the subject of which I was praying. When I say I pray out loud, I actually whisper my prayers; I’m not saying you need to voice it to the whole house. It works, try it.
There’s been a couple things I’ve been hearing lately and that’s inspired me to write today. First is faith; I’ve always associated faith with belief but it’s deeper than that. I believe in Jesus, I believe he rose from the dead, yadda yadda. I don’t question whether God is real and I’ve always thought that was faith… and it is, don’t get me wrong. The faith I’m shown now is trust. With this faith I not only have no Plan B, I don’t even have a Plan A. I don’t know how, I don’t try to understand, and I’m not trying to figure it out; I simply pray (out loud) that I trust God to take care of it. I put it out of my mind and don’t wait pensively to see what’s going to happen.
It’s one thing to understand something, to get a revelation or whatever and boom, it’s in your head; it’s another thing to actually apply that next step into your life. That’s the second thing, application. I often hear people say the right thing but don't apply that to other areas of life or relationships. It’s like there’s a disconnect. I’m sure I do it too, it’s a blind spot. I challenge myself to apply my learning; after all, isn’t that why we learn? That challenge has benefited me nearly every time and I encourage you to almost make a game out of it… how can I apply this?
Well, the application of my [trust] faith, is that in dealing with, uhh… every man’s battle… hint, hint, wink, wink, say no more, say no more. Each morning, when I pray, I invite the Holy Spirit into my day and say that I need His help. I admit that I have no power to fight a battle I’m made to want. For you, this could be a battle with food, could be guilt, could be wanting to control people, could be forgiveness of someone who deeply hurt you; it can be applied to anything. Anyway, I admit that no power to fight evil is going to come from me because I’m a man living in flesh. Side note… I believe no good is ever going to come from me; I am no source of any good, ever! Any good in life comes from God; whether that is in my life or I see elsewhere, it comes from God. He is the source, not us.
That said, I do have a spirit that is inside my flesh that has been merged with Christ… with God. Nothing can separate me from God because a bit of him and all of what I was got mixed together and behold I’m a new creation. The old me is gone, never to return again and I am made into something completely new. If God is all-powerful and all dominion is given to Christ, whose I am, then I have the ability to let go.
With my belief faith, I thought of myself like a Jesus battery. When I was fully charged, I could move mountains (according to the Bible); but when life drained me, I was weak and would fall. See the problem with that is the i-factor. I had to be fully charged. I was the one who initiated and maintained the charge. I fought. I lost charge. I failed. I either did good or I did bad. Belief faith totally depended on me. Ha! There actually IS an “i” in the word belief.
Trust faith is totally different (and there’s no i either). Trust faith is like being no more than an extension cord. The power does not originate from me, it only flows through me. The power is not dependent on me; in fact, it exists without me. All I do is plug into it and let it do it’s job. By praying in the morning and admitting that no power for good or fighting evil comes from me, I’m admitting that I’m just a vessel. As a vessel I ask for God to fight the battles that day. My exact words are: “It’s your fight, your victory and for your glory… not mine, so you do it and I trust you.”
Nice words, right? So what happens when I fail anyway? Simple, I let go again. I failed because I fought. Every single time I loose because I revert back to belief faith again. I forget to pray. Not that praying is anything more than me reminding myself of my place; God knows all of this. He sees me trying and that makes him happy (belief); it makes him even more happy when I don’t try and just let Him take care of it (trust). Either way, He smiles on me. I’m not saying that I’m endorsing living however you want, fail as often as you want, live life according to the belief faith. At the same time, I had to understand belief faith before I could understand trust faith. It took religion to break out of religion. I don’t have religion, I am discovering relationship. My point is, either way, I was reaching towards and that will always make God happy. The difference is now, with trust, it’s deeper.
It’s scary, I will admit but it’s also freeing. Isn’t that what Christ said, my yoke is easy and my burden light. In comparison, belief is so much harder, so much heavier than trust. Didn’t Christ come to fulfill the law (religion - a.k.a. belief)? He literally was showing us to just trust. That was every disciples first test; hey, stop what you’re doing and follow me. The rich, young ruler couldn’t do it; he was attached to material goods. Others couldn’t do it; they asked if they could say goodbye or let people know what was going on. That’s not trust, that’s belief.
My weakness for his strength
In January I participated in a New Year fast with my church. There were many kinds of fasts I could have chosen to do but, I chose to fast my lunch meal everyday for the given time frame. The church was open during lunch so that people in the congregation could come and pray. So everyday for two weeks, I would leave work, go to the church, and pray for lunch instead of eating. During that time of prayer, I really felt impressed to pray about self control. Self control is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit. A few years ago at the beginning of a new year, the word love settled on me and daily I prayed for the Holy Spirit to grow in me the fruit of love. My desire was that I would really understand God's love for me and my role to love others. Since then, I have also prayed that I would grow in other fruits like goodness, kindness, peace, and joy. In fact I prayed for most every other area to grow but the area of self control. After some soul searching since January and some small "aha" moments since then I see why.
Short and sweet, self control scares me. See I fully expect the Holy Spirit to be right and ready to school me in all the fruits I see as "good." I feel confident that I can grow in the "good" fruits. However, I keep my distance from self control. I see the word "self" listed there and I impose that this one fruit is one that I should work on and overcome on my own. I feel like a HUGE failure at self control! When I look at what I consider my big or reoccurring failures- I know their cause is from lack of self control.
Short and sweet, self control scares me. See I fully expect the Holy Spirit to be right and ready to school me in all the fruits I see as "good." I feel confident that I can grow in the "good" fruits. However, I keep my distance from self control. I see the word "self" listed there and I impose that this one fruit is one that I should work on and overcome on my own. I feel like a HUGE failure at self control! When I look at what I consider my big or reoccurring failures- I know their cause is from lack of self control.
- I am an unorganized mess because I have no self control to be organized and on schedule.
- I fail at mothering a teenager because I can't control my tongue or my temper.
- Lack of self control with my tongue has made me a gossip, a hurtful friend, a mean wife, etc, etc.
- My spiritual growth fails because I can't be self controlled to have a regular quiet time with God.
- I am overweight because I lack self control with food.
So suffice it to say, I didn't want to be impressed to pray for self control because I stink at it! I don't have it. I cannot muster it. I have failed God time and time again at my attempts to be better at it. And yet in that revelation, that I cannot master self control on my own, I am finally on a path to growing in the fruit of self control. I am no longer trying to do it alone or on my own. A friend of mine who knew that I had joined Weight Watchers to grow in my struggle with self control and weight, came to me and said God wanted me to know that he wanted me to pray to him and tell him about my food struggles. My friend said That God wanted to help me and all I needed to do was talk to him about it. I was relieved at that word. God does not expect me to fix this on my own! The Bible does not say that the Holy Spirit will produce only love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness but NOT self control. No it says, "But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, AND self control.
Now self control does not seem so scary. I am letting Jesus change me, reveal to me, speak to me through others and their journey in this area. I am not afraid of failing because he won't let me fail. If I mess up, his grace covers me. He reminds me that I am called to freedom not failure. In my weakness is his strength.
"Each time he said, "My grace is still all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me." (2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT)
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