Magic and Miracles

     Yesterday was my twentieth last day of school and it was hands down the best last day ever!  In fact this last week of school has been such a wonderful experience with little celebrations happening every afternoon.  I am not exaggerating when I tell you that these kids were the best group of students in my twenty years of teaching.  There was a little bit of magic in this group.  Everyday they showed up with fantastic attitudes, smiles on their faces, and ready to learn.  They vocalized their appreciation every day.  They gave hugs and high fives freely to each other and to me.  If one student was having a struggle, two others would come around them with encouraging words and a readiness to help.  Every where we went, teachers and administrators complimented them.  Like I said, there was a little bit of magic in the combination of this group and I will admit that I needed that magic.  I needed that magic- to see it, feel it, learn to believe in it again. I need it like I needed air to breath.  That magic is what made brought me back to life.

     I would be lying if I said the last two and a half years were not a struggle.  I would also be lying if I said that teaching was a breeze before Covid.  It wasn't. Before Covid I could see that things were changing and that the changes were making it harder to do the job I love.  The behavior in the classroom was getting harder and harder to manage.  The list of to dos were only growing longer and time to do them in shorter and shorter.  Then Covid happened.  As teachers we had to learn new ways of doing things, almost overnight.  We had to be virtual teaching experts and let's state the obvious here....teaching children is NOT done best in a completely virtual format.  Yet we persevered and I am glad that I have technology skills that I didn't have before.  In some ways, the era of virtual teaching allowed me to breath easier.  While it was a challenge to keep kids engaged through a screen, I enjoyed finding new ways to engage them and be creative.  If I am truly keeping it real, I could breath easier and be more creative because I wasn't dealing with the grind of disruptive behaviors that derail a lesson, a morning, an afternoon, or even a day! Teaching during Covid made me see that class size does make a difference.  The AB schedule where I was teaching only 12 kids at a time was much more successful for kids than being all day everyday in a small classroom with 20-25 other students.  I could do more for them and with them.  Downfall, those 12 students only saw me in person two days a week.  It was hard to make the personal connection students and teachers truly need in just two days a week.  

    I think the worst of the changes in teaching that happened since March 2020 has been the strain on the parent teacher relationship and the decline in teacher morale.  Parents held the burden of being a parent, working during an extremely difficult time, and then coteaching with us at home.  It was overwhelming and I get that, I'm a parent too.  It was not fair to them.  It is our job as the teacher to motivate students six hours a day to meet their learning goals but not being with them in person made that a huge struggle.  Now that job fell to parents and they struggled with managing the pushback from their kids to do the work at home.  In reality they should only have to manage the pushback from their kids about chores and such so again that was not fair to them. Sadly over time, this struggle created an absenteeism crisis.  Students wouldn't come to virtual sessions, didn't turn in virtual work, and there was no way to really hold accountability so kids missed more and more.  I will say that the remnants of this crisis has rolled over to this year as well, even though we were in person all year long.  Motivating students feels harder now than ever.  Getting some students to come to school is a struggle.  It's like school for some, has become option not a requirement.  I know of students that missed almost the equivalent of an entire nine weeks this year.  That's 45 days!  Motivating them to persevere and complete work can be an uphill climb some days.  Difficult behaviors have increased. Paper work is through the roof! Then you add in the rhetoric and behaviors that have swirled around about everything from masks to book content and the attitude towards teachers and their profession feels like it is worse than before.  The pressure for teachers to close the gap for students is at an all time high.  On top of that it feels like in every direction our hands are being tied while we are being scrutinized, devalued, and judged.   Now enters the teacher retention crisis.  Teachers are exiting this year in droves and the number of newly graduated teachers waiting and excited to take their place is shrinking.  Sadly, no one has good answers to either crisis we are facing. So those who stay are left to continue working hard and will pray and hope that consistency with in person learning, good communication, and partnership with families over time will heal the wounds on all of our hearts.  

    So when I say that I needed magic, what I am really saying is that I needed a miracle.  At the end of last year, I brought all of my teaching stuff home and decided I would look for a new job.  I applied to jobs.  I went to several interviews over the summer.  I didn't get the jobs.  I began the 2021-2022 school year ready to give a new crop of first graders what they needed but with the heaviest of hearts.  Then twenty one little people entered the door of my room and brought with them a freshness.  They were little blank slates excited to be in school for the first time in a long time. They worked hard all year and always had the best attitude. Their attitude affected my attitude.  These twenty one little souls showed me the magic again.  They were the miracle that God knew I needed.  I will be forever grateful for them and for their parents.    I know I am a lucky teacher for having known them.  I feel even more lucky that I ended my years of teaching on such a wonderful note.  I have accepted a position as Instructional Coach in my building for next year.  I will still see kids and work with them but it won't be in the same capacity that I have the last twenty years.  I understand now that the applications that were rejected and the jobs I didn't get were all part of the plan.  I would have missed my miracle, I wouldn't have seen the magic. Nora Roberts has said, "Magic exists.  Who can doubt it, when there are rainbows and wildflowers, the music of wind and the silence of the stars?  Anyone who has loved has been touched by magic.  It is such a simple and such an extraordinary part of the lives we live."  Thank you little ones for loving learning, loving me, and bringing the magic.  Thank you God for the miracle.  

    

To Know and be Known- a look at the woman at the well (John 4)

     Preface:  I have to say that I wrote the first half of this post in June of 2020 and saved it as a draft.  I totally forgot that I stopped when I got to writing part 2 because I felt like I didn't quite yet know what to say.  When I checked back in today, I saw that I needed to finish so know that this post is officially one year and 6  months in the making.  It probably shouldn't have taken this long but here it goes....

John Chapter 4:    This chapter has taken me a while to digest.  I have read it before and heard sermons on the woman at the well.  Those experiences left me with a sense that the topic felt both familiar and unfamiliar to me.  Familiar in that the main focus of this chapter always seems to be on the woman, her five husbands, and the separation from her community that her lifestyle has created for her.  Unfamiliar in that it seemed there was something bigger than her sin , and Jesus' acknowledgment of it, to focus on bubbling under the surface of the text.  As I read and reread day after day, something was saying look deeper, see it  with new eyes, see it from the heart, ask "why is this moment in Jesus' ministry important enough for John to write about?"  I read, I thought, and I have sat on it for well over a month.  I don't know if I will do my thoughts, feelings, and insights justice but I have to start somewhere.   

Part one: To know

        What jumps out to me is this idea of knowing and being known.  Here we see Jesus at the well, resting from travel.  A woman comes up to draw water from the well for her own water jug.  Jesus says to her "Give me a drink."  Immediately, she rebukes him for asking her, a Samaritan woman, for water when he is a Jew.  She seems suspicious of his willingness to see and engage her.   He responds to her by rebuking her, he says that if she had KNOWN who was asking her for water, she would be asking him for a drink.  At the onset of the meeting,it is clear that this woman is well aware of her place.  She is aware of what makes her undesirable, what flaws her in the eyes of others.  Instead of accepting that Jesus sees her without judgement, she is up front immediately about what makes her less than. She is pushing him away before he can insult her, she has her guard up. She KNOWS who she is and how she is viewed and she wants him to KNOW the same.  In response, Jesus wants her to KNOW him and to KNOW what it is that he offers.   

       

        Isn't this a perfect reflection of what we do when we meet Jesus?  Whether it be the first time we meet him or after years of sitting in a church pew as a devoted follower, when he shows up to engage with us isn't her reaction exactly how we react?  I know it's been mine.  When Jesus shows up with his grace and love, my first reaction sometimes is a bit of a "talk to the hand" one.  I try and shut him down.  If he persists, I go into telling him exactly why he shouldn't love me.  I explain why he needs to just move on to someone else better.  I tell him my long list of flaws and mistakes, all the things I think he should KNOW about me that make me unworthy of what he is offering.  I am completely honest with him, fully expecting him to agree with me about how bad I am, judge me, and then reject me. But just as he did not reject this Samaritan woman, he does not reject me. 

Part two: To be known

      Jesus tells the woman to go and get her husband.  She replies that she has no husband.  He looks right at her and says "You are right in saying 'I have no husband'; for you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband."  Can you imagine that moment?  Can you see the two of them, together at the well, she just having tried her best to slight herself in his eyes and then he straight forward looks right at her and tells her the truth about herself.  I imagine that he held her gaze with loving intensity.  I imagine that she saw in those eyes all that she had ever wanted to see in the eyes of each of her five husbands but probably never did.  I imagine that she held her breath from the shock of the pureness of being truly known.  You see I think Jesus revealing and John writing about her five husbands was not to shame the woman.  I believe it was to show the rest that comes from the realization that in Jesus we are truly known.  Going through five husbands had surely taken its toll on the woman.  For whatever reasons that those marriages had failed, the very fact that this woman kept marrying shows that she desperately wanted to be known and loved by someone, anyone, maybe even the wrong one.  She needed someone to see her, live with her, walk along side her to give her life validation, meaning and purpose. Five husbands and currently living with a man tells me this woman was desperate for another person to look into her eyes and SEE her.  For someone to look into that place inside her where all of who she is bundles together and actually KNOW her and value her.  That day, she looked into the eyes of Jesus and there it was, the truth and rest of being deeply known and on top of that being accepted as valuable, as worthy.

        She replies that she perceives he is a prophet.  She is making an admission that he is someone more than just a man.  As the conversation continues, she tells him that she knows that the Messiah will come and tell all things.  Jesus replies to her knowledge "I who speak to you am he."  Now imagine with me the joy she must have felt in that bundled up place inside of her.  This man whose gaze and words were holding her heart, making her feel like something bigger was happening, just revealed who he was.  He made himself KNOWN to her.  Her response?.... she left her water jug.  She was at the well for water but the truth of being truly KNOWN left her so satisfied and excited that she left the very vessel that was supposed to hold the thing she had come for.  She had been filled instead with a spiritual water that was seeping into the driest and deepest parts of her, in fact seeping in so deep and quick that it felt like it was overflowing and she just had to let others know.  She went into town to tell others of Jesus and how he KNEW all that she had ever done.  Because of what she said, what they say on her face, and heard in her voice others came to see Jesus for themselves.  They asked him to stay just based on what the woman had said.  I imagine it was because they too deeply wanted to be seen, known, and valued.  Jesus stayed with them two days and at the end of his time with them the people said they no longer just believed based on the what the woman at the well said but because they had heard themselves and now believed that this was indeed the Savior of the world.  They had become KNOWN by Jesus and his identity and truth had become KNOWN to them.  What absolute joy!

        Jesus wants to be KNOWN to us in the deepest part of ourselves.  He wants to be known for being the Savior of the world, the creator of our hearts, the lover of who we are in the quiet parts of our soul.  He wants to be KNOWN and accepted as the sacrifice for our sinful self and that when we look at him, we see that sacrifice as a worthy one.  He wants us to follow him and develop relationship with him from this knowledge. Of course he KNOWS the list of things that make us unacceptable but when we look into his eyes I believe we will find ourselves KNOWN for not just the unacceptable but all the things that are lovely and acceptable.  We will be KNOWN for our whole selves and loved for all the parts of it.  There is a rest in that.  

        This chapter made me think that perhaps I still reside most often in the place where I am pushing him away rather than letting the truth of his love seep in.  It revealed my need to live more in the realization that I am fully KNOWN and accepted in his presence.  When I can learn to live more often in that space, it is there that Jesus becomes fully KNOWN to me.  Then that bundled up place where the threads of who I am were knit together become flooded with the spiritual waters and I feel free satiated and free, just like the woman at the well. 

Love that saves the world

      I am very familiar with the verse John 3:16, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."(ESV)  I learned it when I was a young girl sitting in a Sunday school class.  This verse was a pillar of my faith journey,  First I was able to hear the verse, then memorize it, proclaim belief in it, and finally recite it for others.  It is the most beautiful verse that reveals God's heart for us and the depth of his love.  I did not really anticipate that rereading John chapter 3 would be very revealing to me. I thought I would breeze through this chapter with nothing new to learn or think about. I was wrong of course and that mistake has made me appreciate again how the word of God is alive and speaks to me in new ways every time that I stop to read it and really open my heart to it. 
       Over this past year, it has troubled me when I have heard about famous pastors or worship leaders who have professed their disbelief in a God that they have spent most of their lives loving and serving. When I read articles about why they no longer believe, some of them talk about how they just can't believe in a God who would punish or condemn people to hell. They can no longer believe in a God who is angry and wrathful, who will create man and then condemn man to suffer punishment.  It is almost like they now see God as more happy to condemn than to happy to love.  In my heart, I know that this is not the God I serve. I know that he loves the world, John 3:16 spells it out so plainly, yet I have not had a clear answer to this question of why a loving and good God condemns us. However, as I read verses 17-21 again this week, where Jesus himself speaks of condemnation, it is here that my heart feels it has found an answer. An answer that these questioning pastors and worship leaders are searching for when looking out at a world that only seems to reflect suffering, greed, anger, division, and loss.
      While reading John 3:16-21, I was reminded that God's only plan is to show his love for me and to save me.  He does not wish me to perish but he wishes that I have eternal life. His desire to save me stems from a truth that I, and maybe those who are falling away, have forgotten.  The truth that God is good and in his goodness he wants what is good for me but it is I that desire the opposite.  I am like the child who wants to do all the things mom and dad tell me I can't and God is the parent who wishes to protect me and prevent me from harming myself. Condemnation is not found in Jesus but is found in me.  I am condemned only by the nature of my own heart to love darkness and reject truth.  Jesus himself said it this way,

"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.  Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God.  And this is the judgement: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil.  For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed.  But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God." 

and if Jesus said this, then I can trust that it comes straight from God because Jesus only said what God his Father told him to say while he was here on earth.

        God has known since the garden that the heart of man bends towards its own will and way.  He was there when Adam and Eve disobeyed him by eating the fruit. He understood that it was their selfish desire and rejection of his instruction that caused consequence to them.  This rejection and selfishness is in the bible again before the flood. The bible says that man had corrupted its own way and caused violence on the earth.  After the flood when God was making his covenant with Noah, God said "the intention of man's heart is evil from his youth" (Gen. 9:21 ESV).  If God only desires wrath, he would have just left it there.  He would have left man to his corrupted way, to endure the natural consequences of his corrupted actions, and God would have been overjoyed in punishing man with eternal condemnation.  However, the verses after John 3:16 say otherwise.  These verses show me that God's plan is to save me and every person on this earth from ourselves.  Do I have to let go of my love of darkness? Yes.  I have to let go of loving myself, of being selfish and putting my own pleasure ahead of loving him, following him, and serving others.  Do I have to believe in Jesus? Yes.  I have to believe that Jesus came to fulfill this plan of love and salvation.  I have to believe that he is the artifact that proves that God desires me for relationship with him and wants me with him forever. Do I have to come to the light? Yes.  I have to come to Jesus of my own understanding and desire.  I have to love him and accept his truth.  The truth that God is for me.  God loves me.  God desires relationship.  God wants good for me, he wants to save me. God wants me to be with him forever.
         I take comfort in the words of Jesus which reveal God's heart and his plan.  His words are the truth I need to see when the world tries to say that God is something he very clearly is not. Jesus' words are the answer to the question "Why would a good and loving God condemn his creation?" Jesus tells us a good and loving God does the exact opposite of that.  He saves his children, just like I want to save mine when I see them making the wrong choice.  He loves his children and understands their nature, just like I love and understand my girls.  He gives of himself, of his life to protect his children- just like I would give my life to protect mine.  Knowing this about God causes me to rush into his arms, to believe in his Son and his plan, and to trust that I will not perish after my days on this earth are done.  I have found the answer that fills and quiets my heart during times of question and uncertainty and hopefully this answer will fill and quiet your heart too.               
       
       

Motherhood and Wine

     These quarantined days of motherhood are not for the faint of heart.  Mothers everywhere are now faced with one more hat to juggle, that of the teacher.  Certainly the hats of productive employee, domestic goddess, dutiful wife, and mother of the year were quite enough to juggle before but now... teacher?  It's enough to drive a woman to drink a good glass of wine (or two or three) for all the wrong reasons.
      In John chapter 2, Jesus finds himself at a wedding celebration with his mother and his disciples when the wine reserved for the wedding festivities runs out.  Wine at a Jewish wedding is symbolic.  It represents sanctity, separation, blessing, joy, and celebration.  To run out of it is indeed a bad thing.  Mary, Jesus' mother, comes to him and tells him, "They have no wine." (vs 3).  Go with me a moment as I imagine the beginning of this miracle from a mother's point of view.
      As a mother, I look at my children and I see all that is possible for them.  I see into their hearts and eyes and I know exactly what they are capable of.  Wanting to be a good mother, I feel it is my job to push them to their full potential, to encourage them to try the very thing that they think they cannot or should not do.  I feel this gravity of responsibility on me all the time to guide them into the best version of themselves. (I believe this is part of why this extra hat of teacher in these times of quarantine is driving all of us to the brink of our sanity.  Teachers have always helped us with this task we find so important.  Teachers are our partner for growing our child's potential- for motivating them to do big things, helping them stay focused, and encouraging them to give their best effort. They share our burden.)  I imagine this is what Mary was feeling as the wine ran out and she relayed the problem to Jesus.  I imagine that in the depth of her being, from the moment of his birth, Mary believed in Jesus as Lord.  She knew in her bones that he was capable of so much, she was ready to push him to his potential.  His response? "Woman, what does this have to do with me?  My hour has not come." (vs. 4) Not to be disrespectful to the miracle, but to a degree this makes me chuckle.  It  reminds me of my own teenagers when I ask them to do a task that they either do not want to do or don't see themselves as ready for.  Still Mary did not lose her focus.  She told the servants "Do whatever he tells you." (vs. 5)  In my mind, her statement to the servants, spoken where I am sure Jesus could overhear her, was her good momma statement of encouragement to her child.  It was also her faith statement to him..."You may not think your time is here, but I see you, I know you can do this, I trust in your, I believe in who you are and that you are sent from God to do great things."  The rest of the chapter details how Jesus did indeed tell the servants to take 6 stone water jars and fill them with water.  When the servants took the water to the master, instead of water, he tasted a very good quality of wine, one that was impressive, one that was better than the wine served first.  The result of performing this first miracle of his ministry was that Jesus manifested his glory and his disciples believed in him.
           For myself as a believer reading this miracle in today's world, it stirs in my heart that a relationship with Jesus is like the new wine in the jars.  Relationship with him is richer, more full, and overflowing with good.  By giving us Jesus, God has saved his best for us.  We can spend a lot of our life tasting wines that we think are good for us (titles, money, relationship with the wrong people) but those wines always run out and leaves us disappointed.  Those wines loose their sanctity, blessing, and joy. However, when we taste this new wine, this full relationship with Jesus, we are satisfied in ways that we did not know possible.  We have sanctity, we recognize our blessings, and we feel so much real joy. So mothers of the world, let's not lose faith in our new role as teachers.  Let's press on with seeing our children's potential, in encouraging them, in being there to support them, in loving them with grace during this difficult time.  And when all the hats feel like too much and we feel like we have "run out" of our own ability, let's turn to the wine that truly satisfies before we pour that second or third glass of Moscato.  Let's run to Jesus and allow him to pour himself into us.  Let's worship him, give him thanks, speak to him with our prayers and read his word to fill our cup.  Then we will find ourselves refreshed and ready to face another day of hat wearing.  :) 

Origins

    So it's April of the 2020 Covid-19 pandemic and everything is different from what it used to be.  Changes have happened to almost every area of our daily lives from how we procure necessities like toilet paper and meat to where and how we do our jobs, how close we can stand together when we talk, how many people can be together at one time, and where we attend church.  People are wondering where the origin of this awful virus came from and when will it find its ending.
    During these weeks of social distancing, which was also leading up to Easter weekend last week, I have spent time reading through the book of John.  I read one chapter a day and spent time highlighting and digging deeper into the things that spoke to my heart.  I decided that after I had read through the book, and if we were still social distancing, I would go back and reread it again, only this time I would give life to my thoughts and record them here on this blog.  So today is the origin of the journey of documenting my walk with Jesus through the book of John.
     The word origin is defined as "the point or place where something begins, arises, or derives," (Merriam-Webster), "the point at which something comes into existence," (Free dictionary), and "the beginning or cause of something." (Cambridge) Upon my first reading of John, I noticed that John did not begin the way other gospels began.  He did not give an account of the lineage of Jesus, thus establishing the origin of his right to Kingship, as in the Gospel of Matthew.  He did not describe the steps taken before Jesus began his ministry, thus showing the origin of that ministry, as in the Gospel of Mark. He did not lay out the foretelling by angels of the births of both John the Baptist and Jesus, thus establishing the origin of order that fulfilled prophecy, as in the Gospel of Luke. Even though John's Gospel began differently, upon this second reading of the first chapter I can see that is is clearly a story of origin as well.
     John's opening in John 1:1-5 details the origin of Jesus before coming to be God with us, God made flesh, our Emmanuel.  These verses establish Jesus as being in heaven with God at the very beginning. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was in the beginning with God." (John 1:1,2 ESV)  This is a deeper sense of origin than in the other gospels. An origin before our time and space began. John's words then go on to show us a beautiful picture of the origin of everything we know to be, including ourselves.  In these versus, Jesus is on display as Creator and in full authority before anything else came into being and in authority over all that came into being. He himself is the point of origin for everything.  "All things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men." (John 1:3,4 ESV)
      Those four verses are packed with establishing the origin of Jesus as sovereign over all but it is verse 5 that gives me the most comfort and hope in these troubling times of pandemic.  After setting Jesus's role as life and establishing that this life is the light of men, verse 5 goes on to say that "the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."  This is a truth that right now is important to keep in perspective and hold on to.  I can take comfort that Jesus was before the beginning of things and that he created all things through himself but, I can also take comfort in knowing that his life, his light was not, has not, and will not be overcome by darkness.  Because I believe in him and in the one who sent him, that same light/his light resides in me.  When I feel fear or uncertainty at what will be, when theories of the origin of Covid-19 try to keep me up at night, when I fret about how long this period of time will last and will all the people I love endure, I can be encouraged that darkness does not have authority to overcome light.  I do not have to allow the light in me to be swallowed up by the fear, division, and destruction darkness wants to cause.
       I am grateful to these five verses written by John and their establishment of Jesus' origin . First, these verses increase my faith of who has watch and care over me. Second, they realign my perspective and thoughts when the world around me is teeming with chaos. Last, these verses and especially verse 5 increase my hope that we will not be trapped in a time of loss forever.  Times right now are sad, they are bad, and they may or will increase in sadness and loss but that will not be the last word. Darkness does not get to have the last word, light does.  Light had the first word and it will have the last. So with that knowledge, I will do my best to share the light, spread hope and love, use the wisdom God gave me to listen to doctors and make good decisions, and trust in him when I don't understand all the rest.   
 

Juggling all the way to Breakdown Express

          Hands down one of the most insane time in a teacher's year is the week of parent teacher conferences.  There is an unbelievable amount of prep work that is needed in order to have a twenty minute conversation about a student's progress.  Weeks before the prep work for the conference even begin, a teacher has spent time giving and analyzing numerous assessments in various content areas which allow the formulation of a grade which then goes on a report card.  Transferring that data onto a computerized form then takes about five minutes a child (I know because I timed it).  On top of that, the teacher has made sure every student has taken the mandated "testing" needed to rate the student in reading and math.  Teachers have collected work samples, printed off report after report, collected needed lists, and created conference notes.  They then spend time organizing those items into folders so that they are prepared and efficient when it is time to meet with the parents.  All while being responsible for this, and expected to get EVERY parent to show up to a conference, teachers are still required to teach content (and be responsible for between 20 to 35 kids) for 6.5 hours a day.  So the regular expectations for the job still apply.  You know what else still applies?  The regular expectations of life.  A teacher's bills still need to be paid, dinner still needs to be made, the house still needs cleaning, the lawn still needs mowing, spouses still need connection and quality time, sons and daughters still need to be at practice on time or supported during games or concerts.  This is a HUGE thing and DIFFICULT thing to juggle.  Change the name of the profession and the list of responsibilities and the results will be no different.  Juggling work and family for any adult is unbelievably hard and insane at times.
            It is during these times that I feel most emotionally vulnerable.  Probably because of the fast pace of life at the time and the lack of sleep, but my mind and heart become more sensitive to seeing all the ways of how I am failing at this juggling act.  Realizing how much my husband steps in to help me with the house and kids and then receiving his attentive concern and care for me at the end of a long day makes me feel terrible instead of loved and cared for.  Realizing that I might not have even checked in with my kid to see how her day or practice was makes me feel neglectful.  My mind and heart focus not on the good things I'm doing or receiving from others but begins to hyper focus on the ways I am "letting others down."  Throw in well meaning family members judgment about the choices you are making for your family and well............ you can just hear the emotional breakdown coming from a mile away.   
           That's what I felt this year during conference week.  Mid week of conferences I could see myself standing on that platform just waiting for the train to come in.  I was feeling the exhaustion, feeling the fight and the anxiety of white knuckling my week and working feverishly to stay on top of it all.  All the while waiting for my appointed time to board the breakdown express and have a good cry over what a failure I was at life.  One morning on the way to work, I realized that my heart was clouded with negativity and it really was not serving me well.  I realized I did not want a ticket on the Breakdown Express.  I wanted to take back control of my thoughts and my heart but I didn't know how.  That's when I was reminded of the title of this blog "my heart for his."  I stopped and asked myself "Angela, Do you really want that?  Do you really want God's heart?  Do you want to see your life and the people in it from his perspective and not yours? Is your blog title just that, a cute title or is it your desire- to be more like Christ and less like yourself?"  In that moment, I opened up my hands and I said to God "I surrender this heart of mine to you.  I want to exchange this clouded, negative, sad heart for yours.  I am standing here trying to crush this heart in my hands and I don't want that anymore.  Please give me your heart for mine.  Take my painful and broken heart and give me your whole one.  I just can't do this without you."  
            I would love to say that after that moment, the list of responsibilities changed and instantly I was absolved of all the to dos and expectations that were wearing me down but that didn't happen.  What did happen was that my heart received a peace, a fullness of love, and a rest from the negativity.  My focus and perspective shifted from seeing my failures to seeing all the ways that God's love was alive and caring for me through the kindness of others.  Every idle, negative, good for nothing thought was taken captive and I felt renewed to be an active participant in the story God was writing for my life. I was reminded that I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be surrendered.  His grace is enough.  
            If you are struggling today, I encourage you to surrender to the love of Christ.  He won't tell you that you are a failure.  He won't hold up a list of all the things you are doing wrong.  He loves you completely.  He sees you as perfect.  He wants to walk with you, partner with you, work through you.  He wants to share in your struggles, in your joys, in your life.  Trust him today, you will not regret it.          

"Three years will give you such a pain in the heart!"

       I honestly cannot believe that it has been three years and four months since my last post.  I mean I know that I have drifted away from writing, even though my fingers have longed to type so many times and my heart has pinned to pour itself out onto a page, but three years????  If you have ever watched the Disney movie Aladdin, then you know the title of this post is a spin on Genie's famous words as he is finally freed from his lamp.  He says "Ten thousand years can give you such a crick in the neck!" Well, turns out three years of living can give you such a pain in the heart!  In fact it seems sometimes that one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month, one year can give you a pain in the heart.  Just LIVING comes with having pains of the heart and let's be honest, those pains of the heart can at times leave us immobile.  We move but we are unable to move forward.  Life keeps moving forward and physically we are moving forward but inside our heart we are stuck.  It only takes the smallest of events to begin a hemorrhaging of pain simply because we cannot stand to look the pain in the eye and give it a name.  Instead, we begin living a life where on the outside we appear to have a pulse but on the inside we are dead.  
      These last three years have taken me on a journey I did not expect.  I am estranged from my father.  I lost an entire support group of friends I called "family".  I watched someone I love fall headfirst into the deep throws of addiction.  I watched the heaviness of depression steal joy from my child.  It seems I can jump from one day feeling like I have things together to being painfully aware that in a split second my pain from the past or present can take the driver's seat and derail my life. However, with time, space, and Jesus, I am slowly moving forward.  I am making better choices for myself.  I set boundaries in my relationships with others and I hold to it.  I am working to CHOOSE the lens in which I see things and events, to remember what really matters.  I do my best now to name the pain as it comes.... abandonment, rejection, disappointment, judgment, self hate.....  because When I give name to the pain, it comes out of hiding into the place of light.  In the light, Jesus can minister to my pain.  He shows me where the pain originates from and then helps me to deal with it.  If I leave the pain hidden, it consumes me and rules me.  I am not in control the pain is and I do not make good choices when pain is running the show. But when I surrender to the light and I trust Jesus to run the show, I can breathe, I am alive.  I have rest and I am at peace.  Right now in my journey, I am not perfect at this art of surrendering my pain and I may never be perfect at it but then again Jesus doesn't expect perfection.  I am so thankful for that.  

Until the next time (which I hope will not be three years),
Angela  


"For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord, Walk as children of the light for the fruit of  light is found in all that is good and right and true, and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.  Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them."- Ephesians 5:8-11
       
         

  

Choosing the good

       We are entering the first holiday season since my parents'  home burnt to the ground in February. Much has been lost.  All of their earthly possessions- gone.  All of their comforts- gone.  All of their conveniences- gone.  As the months drug on after the fire and the search for returning to some kind of normal began, the lack of things made the lack of relationship, respect, and communication in my parents' marriage abundantly clear.  What had been hidden and not dealt with for decades was laid out wide.  Choices have been made and now yet another thing has been laid in the rubble of loss- my parents 42 year long marriage.  

       This holiday season, will not be gathered in my parents home with my entire family.  I will not enter into my mother's house, all decorated with the most beautiful fall decor you have ever seen, and sit down at her table set with care.  I will not eat off the brilliant golden Tierra dishes, I looked so forward to displaying on my Thanksgiving table some day.  We will not look at the long counter of holiday foods and tease my mother by saying "It's buffet style fellers!"  Much has changed in nine months, both in physical locations of where everyone resides and in our hearts.  In those first months after the fire, I witnessed beautiful hearts come forward to help and such an outpouring of generosity towards my mom and dad.  I will be forever grateful to all who donated money, clothing, their time, and their prayers in the few months after the fire.  You gave my parents the ability to be clothed, comforted, and safe.  I have also witnessed the ugliest actions from hearts sworn to love one another.  Hurtful words between father and son, father and daughter, husband and wife.  I stand here at the first holiday of this season and I am gravely aware of my choices.  My choice to focus on loss or to focus on gratitude.  My choice to harbor unforgivness or forgive.  My choice to choose hate or choose love.  


      And so I choose what is good...........I choose to be grateful.  I choose to forgive.  I choose love.  Because choosing those things move me forward.  Those choices make me grow and learn.  Making those choices everyday heal my heart.  And make no mistake, making that choice everyday is not always an easy task.  Choosing to be grateful, forgive, and love does not diminish the hurt at the loss we have experienced and are still experiencing.  But choosing the good means that instead of seeing the loss of a future, I see the beauty of fresh starts.  I see the promise of restoration that is more full and real and whole than what we had before.  I see that in letting go of  bitterness I gain freedom.  I see that God has taken our focus off of things and put it back on where it should be- how we show our love for one another.  

        People over things is the new way of life.  Trading in weakness for the strength of Jesus is common place now.  Having faith that he has written a story that has a good ending, no matter what circumstances right now say, is sustaining the journey. Healthy boundaries is not a dirty word but wisdom that brings protection. I am grateful for friends that will take you in.  I am grateful for the prayers of saints.  I am grateful for generous empathetic hearts.  For clarity born out of tragedy.  For healing that is ongoing.  I am grateful that my loved ones grow stronger and wiser everyday.  That we are doing the work to get well.  I am grateful that God is faithful and filled with loving kindness towards us every minute of everyday.  That miracles still happen.  

        Much love to you and yours this holiday season.  Make the good choices everyday that you wake up.  Even when it is hard.  Be in control of how you respond to despair.  Choose to show Christ's great love by your good and kind actions to others.  Die to self daily and live for Jesus.  Trust in him because he is the Prince of Peace, sustainer of life.    

John 13:34-35 "Let me give you a new command; Love one another.  This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples- when they see the love you have for each other."

Psalm 107:1 "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, his love endures forever."

Galatians 6:9  "So let's not get tired of doing what is good.  At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up."

Phillippians 4:4   "Always be filled with joy in the Lord.  I will say it again.  Be filled with joy.  Let everyone see that you are gentle and kind."

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord.  "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

First steps

              As I said in an earlier post, my new word for this year is self control.  I am praying about areas in my life where I need the Holy Spirit to teach me self control.  The main area I have always felt most out of control is food.  I have struggled with weight my whole life.  As a teen, it was always brought to my attention.  I was bribed with a myriad of things to entice me to loose weight.  Needless to say, much of my thought life was consumed by thoughts about weight but never in a helpful way.  It was always negative.  Negative about myself, negative about my efforts, negative about my results.  I would try and fail.  Try and fail.  I seemed to be valued by others according to my weight and I percieved that value to be pretty low due to my failures to loose what was obviously making me less to others.  So clearly..... DECADES of this has not really made me too confident or secure in my abilities to get the weight off or overcome my lack of self control in this area.

           And yet, this is the area I feel called to be led in.  I joined and began going to Weight Watcher meetings in January.  I shared with my weekly ladies small group that I had joined.  I asked them to pray for me that God would help me learn to have self control with food.  I shared that what I really desired from this journey was to see that within self control, there was freedom.  I admitted that I really did not know what that looked like but I wanted to learn.  Those ladies were wonderful to me.  They listened, they encouraged, and they prayed.  When we were done, one lady said God wanted me to tell you to "Fix the relationship you have with food.  When you fix the relationship, it will be done." What a very good word to my very rebellious heart.  The thought of really thinking about my relationship with food was scary and exciting.  Scary because I knew what I would find would probably not make me very happy.  Exciting because recognizing that food was an unhealthy relationship in my life would most certainly bring good changes.  But could I look myself in the eye and really have a conversation with my head and my heart about food and what it had become to me?  Did I have hope that I could change when all other attempts have failed?

          A few weeks and a snow day later, I sat down by the fire to have that conversation.  I thought about my actions, thoughts, and feelings in relation to food.  Then  I made a list of my beliefs about food

                                              1.  Food equals pleasure.
                                              2.  Food equals celebration.
                                              3.  Food equals bonding.
                                              4.  Food equals accomplishment and creativity.
                                              5.  Food equals lavish indulgence.
                                              6.  Food equals freedom.

      I took a break, said a prayer,  and then asked myself about the realities of having these beliefs.  In acting from my belief system with food, what was really happening?  Was food really bringing me all of this or had food become an unhealthy addiction with negative results in my life?  The next list came to me


                                             1.  Food = addiction
                                             2.  Food= unhealthy habits
                                             3.  Food= unhealthy coorelations
                                             4. Food= negative self image
                                             5.  Food= rebellion
                                             6.  Food = bondage

     And that was enough soul searching for that day!  I was left with truths on the page.  Truths to help me think about my relationship.  Truths to guide my self control journey.  Truths that were both scary and exciting just like I thought.  Truths that I need to come back to and explore deeper to know and understand myself better.  Truths that have brought hope that I can truly change.


     Yesterday at my Weight Watchers meeting, I got my 25 pound charm.  I have actually lost almost 30 pounds now.  That is the most that I have ever lost in my 38 years of life!  I am going to be on this journey for a while now but, I have already found an answer to the prayer I asked those sweet small group ladies to pray.  I have found that there is freedom in self control.  There is freedom in making mindful choices, better choices, healthier choices.

       

Faith (a post from my husband)

Thought I’d share today about something I’m seeing in a new way.  I find it interesting that now and then, without me researching or reading what others say about a subject, the Holy Spirit will just guide me into a deeper understanding.  I pray and He talks back.  Ooooh scary.  Isn’t this the way the Bible was written?  What did the writers of the Bible read?  Well, the New Testament guys read the Old Testament.. but what did OT guys read?  Nothing!  Weren’t they just people too, just people with a seeking heart for God?  If God spoke to them, couldn’t we do the same thing?  It’s cool… I hope you all have those kinds of experiences too and if not, just start praying out loud and then have a time at the end or somewhere in the middle to just be quiet.  There’s something to the practice of praying out loud and then “listening.”  I used to just pray inside my head.  By praying out loud, I often find that still, small voice reach out to me and place a thought into my head which answers or leads me in the subject of which I was praying.  When I say I pray out loud, I actually whisper my prayers; I’m not saying you need to voice it to the whole house.  It works, try it.  

There’s been a couple things I’ve been hearing lately and that’s inspired me to write today.  First is faith; I’ve always associated faith with belief but it’s deeper than that.  I believe in Jesus, I believe he rose from the dead, yadda yadda.  I don’t question whether God is real and I’ve always thought that was faith… and it is, don’t get me wrong.  The faith I’m shown now is trust.  With this faith I not only have no Plan B, I don’t even have a Plan A.  I don’t know how, I don’t try to understand, and I’m not trying to figure it out; I simply pray (out loud) that I trust God to take care of it.  I put it out of my mind and don’t wait pensively to see what’s going to happen.  

It’s one thing to understand something, to get a revelation or whatever and boom, it’s in your head; it’s another thing to actually apply that next step into your life.  That’s the second thing, application. I often hear people say the right thing but don't apply that to other areas of life or relationships.  It’s like there’s a disconnect. I’m sure I do it too, it’s a blind spot.  I challenge myself to apply my learning; after all, isn’t that why we learn?  That challenge has benefited me nearly every time and I encourage you to almost make a game out of it… how can I apply this?

Well, the application of my [trust] faith, is that in dealing with, uhh… every man’s battle… hint, hint, wink, wink, say no more, say no more.  Each morning, when I pray, I invite the Holy Spirit into my day and say that I need His help.  I admit that I have no power to fight a battle I’m made to want.  For you, this could be a battle with food, could be guilt, could be wanting to control people, could be forgiveness of someone who deeply hurt you; it can be applied to anything.  Anyway, I admit that no power to fight evil is going to come from me because I’m a man living in flesh.  Side note… I believe no good is ever going to come from me; I am no source of any good, ever!  Any good in life comes from God; whether that is in my life or I see elsewhere, it comes from God.  He is the source, not us.  

That said, I do have a spirit that is inside my flesh that has been merged with Christ… with God.  Nothing can separate me from God because a bit of him and all of what I was got mixed together and behold I’m a new creation.  The old me is gone, never to return again and I am made into something completely new.  If God is all-powerful and all dominion is given to Christ, whose I am, then I have the ability to let go.  

With my belief faith, I thought of myself like a Jesus battery.  When I was fully charged, I could move mountains (according to the Bible); but when life drained me, I was weak and would fall.  See the problem with that is the i-factor.  I had to be fully charged.  I was the one who initiated and maintained the charge.  I fought.  I lost charge.  I failed.  I either did good or I did bad.  Belief faith totally depended on me.  Ha!  There actually IS an “i” in the word belief.  

Trust faith is totally different (and there’s no i either).  Trust faith is like being no more than an extension cord.  The power does not originate from me, it only flows through me.  The power is not dependent on me; in fact, it exists without me.  All I do is plug into it and let it do it’s job.  By praying in the morning and admitting that no power for good or fighting evil comes from me, I’m admitting that I’m just a vessel.  As a vessel I ask for God to fight the battles that day.  My exact words are: “It’s your fight, your victory and for your glory… not mine, so you do it and I trust you.” 

Nice words, right?  So what happens when I fail anyway?  Simple, I let go again.  I failed because I fought.  Every single time I loose because I revert back to belief faith again.  I forget to pray.  Not that praying is anything more than me reminding myself of my place; God knows all of this.  He sees me trying and that makes him happy (belief); it makes him even more happy when I don’t try and just let Him take care of it (trust).  Either way, He smiles on me.  I’m not saying that I’m endorsing living however you want, fail as often as you want, live life according to the belief faith.  At the same time, I had to understand belief faith before I could understand trust faith.  It took religion to break out of religion.  I don’t have religion, I am discovering relationship.  My point is, either way, I was reaching towards and that will always make God happy.  The difference is now, with trust, it’s deeper.  

It’s scary, I will admit but it’s also freeing.  Isn’t that what Christ said, my yoke is easy and my burden light.  In comparison, belief is so much harder, so much heavier than trust.  Didn’t Christ come to fulfill the law (religion - a.k.a. belief)?  He literally was showing us to just trust.  That was every disciples first test; hey, stop what you’re doing and follow me.  The rich, young ruler couldn’t do it; he was attached to material goods.  Others couldn’t do it; they asked if they could say goodbye or let people know what was going on.  That’s not trust, that’s belief.  

My weakness for his strength

       In January I participated in a New Year fast with my church.  There were many kinds of fasts I could have chosen to do but, I chose to fast my lunch meal everyday for the given time frame.  The church was open during lunch so that people in the congregation could come and pray. So everyday for two weeks, I would leave work, go to the church, and pray for lunch instead of eating.  During that time of prayer, I really felt impressed to pray about self control.  Self control is one of the fruits of the Holy Spirit.  A few years ago at the beginning of a new year, the word love settled on me and daily I prayed for the Holy Spirit to grow in me the fruit of love.  My desire was that I would really understand God's love for me and my role to love others.  Since then, I have also prayed that I would grow in other fruits like goodness, kindness, peace, and joy.  In fact I prayed for most every other area to grow but the area of self control.  After some soul searching since January and some small "aha" moments since then I see why.
        Short and sweet, self control scares me.  See I fully expect the Holy Spirit to be right and ready to school me in all the fruits I see as "good."  I feel confident that I can grow in the "good" fruits.    However, I keep my distance from self control.  I see the word "self" listed there and I impose that this one fruit is one that I should work on and overcome on my own.  I feel like a HUGE failure at self control!  When I look at what I consider my big or reoccurring failures- I know their cause is from lack of self control.

• I am an unorganized mess because I have no self control to be organized and on schedule. 
•  I fail at mothering a teenager because I can't control my tongue or my temper. 
•  Lack of self control with my tongue has made me a gossip, a hurtful friend, a mean wife, etc, etc. 
• My spiritual growth fails because I can't be self controlled to have a regular quiet time with God.  
• I am overweight because I lack self control with food.   

       So suffice it to say, I didn't want to be impressed to pray for self control because I stink at it!  I don't have it.  I cannot muster it. I have failed God time and time again at my attempts to be better at it.  And yet in that revelation, that I cannot master self control on my own, I am finally on a path to growing in the fruit of self control.  I am no longer trying to do it alone or on my own.  A friend of mine who knew that I had joined Weight Watchers to grow in my struggle with self control and weight, came to me and said God wanted me to know that he wanted me to pray to him and tell him about my food struggles.  My friend said That God wanted to help me and all I needed to do was talk to him about it.  I was relieved at that word.  God does not expect me to fix this on my own!  The Bible does not say that the Holy Spirit will produce only love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness but NOT self control.  No it says, "But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, AND self control.  

      Now self control does not seem so scary.   I am letting Jesus change me, reveal to me, speak to me through others and their journey in this area.  I am not afraid of failing because he won't let me fail.  If I mess up, his grace covers me.  He reminds me that I am called to freedom not failure.  In my weakness is his strength.

       "Each time he said, "My grace is still all you need.  My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me."  (2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT)

    

Small moments

     I am humbled when God reaches into my world in the small moments and touches the very place in my heart that is only for him.  Sometimes I forget how intimate a place that is until his words of "I love you" touch it.  Then it is as if his very presence is in my space.  In that moment quiet, peace, love, joy, exhilaration, wholeness, humility, comfort, reverence, wonder, and surrender all coincide.  Time seems to pause as he teaches my heart of his truths.
     Today was one of those days. During my very nonchalant act of my usual Saturday coffee and quiet time, in stepped Jesus.  Now when I say coffee and quiet time please do not be mislead to think that I have this daily routine which leads to earth shattering spiritual revelations and amazing God time (all while wearing an angelic halo before my children are up and out of bed).  On most Saturdays.... my coffee and quiet time consists of 1) coffee and 2) at minimum a steady hour of Facebook, downloading/uploading pics, catching up with Yahoo! news, and checking emails.  This week however, I made a slight change to that routine in that I did not get on the computer.  Instead I read my bible.  I had been trying to read my bible everyday this week for about 5-10 minutes in the morning.  I am reading a daily chronological version so this early in the year, the passages I am reading are in the Old Testament.  All week I have been reading about the rules God gave the Israelites, about what is clean and unclean,  what to do when you've been defiled, and how to make sacrifices.
      Needless to say, all week long I have been skimming and was not that excited about cracking open the book this morning.  Mainly because I have a hard time meshing the Yahweh of "rules" to the God of "grace".   So I'm reading all this and thinking "I wish I knew more about where to find things in the Bible so I could read where the old testament covenant with God and his people is defined as different from the new covenant."   Then viola! I get to the end of today's daily reading and the prayer and meditation commentary in my bible says "Lord God, I've read these chapters and they seem so odd.  Help me not to lose the thrust of what I've read, that forgiven people maintain fellowship with You by living the precepts You establish.  Thank You that according to Galatians 4:24-25 and Hebrews 8:13 the old rules are obsolete because of what Christ has done for us. Amen."  So of course I turn and read the chapters and verses referenced.  Then I read Hebrews 9 and Hebrews 10 and I am loving how it is really explaining to me how Jesus is the mediator of the new covenant.  Feeling rather pleased with the convenience of all of this,  I circle and highlight some things I've learned, pour another cup of coffee, put my Bible to the side, and get out this devotional I bought months ago that is supposed to be done daily but only has about six pages done in it (can anyone else relate to that?).
     The devotional topic is on trusting the Lord.  It references Psalm 40:1-5.  I read verses 1-5 and then I keep reading, because the Psalm is really beautiful, and when I get to verse 6 into my living room stepped Jesus.  You see verse 6 says

       " You do not delight in sacrifice and offering; You open my ears to listen.  You do not ask for a whole burnt offering or a sin offering.  Then I said 'See, I have come; it is written about me in the volume of the scroll.  I delight to do Your will, my God; Your instruction lives within me."  

   At that moment I looked up from my bible and thought, "That's odd, that is EXACTLY the scripture referenced in Hebrews 10 that I just read."  And then it hit me that what was happening was not odd, but was Jesus.  He stepped into my quiet time today.  He sat down on my ottoman and proceeded to clear my confusion, answer my question,  connect the dots between Old and New, teach me more about him, and ultimately to say to my heart "I love you".  He stepped into my world between the words on a page.  Not in grandeur, just in the quiet.  I love the way he works!

       Hebrews 10:21-23
           "Since we have a great high priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed in pure water.  Let us hold on to the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful."     

For him

            I have been reading this book Crazy Love by Francis Chan slowly for about two months now.  It has had many interesting points that have caused me to pause and think but, not for very long.   Truthfully, I have been glossing over going deeper into the topic of God's love for me and how that knowledge effects how I live day to day.  I had made it all the way to chapter 8 thinking I was just about finished with the book when today I got onto the website crazylovebook.com.  After watching the first video, I felt impressed that I should start the book over and watch the video chapter introductions on the website.  As I have watched the Chapter one video today and reread, I have taken time to write down my reflections.

    When listing characteristics of God, the book states that God is all powerful. Then it asks the question, "Do I live as though God was created for me, to do my bidding, to bless me, and to take care of me?" 

     When I stopped and thought longer than two seconds about the current things I am praying for I realized my answer was a resounding YES!!  Being taught and having experienced that God can and does work on my behalf and that he wants to bless me has over time inverted or skewed my thinking about my design and purpose.  Today I let truth sink into my heart a little deeper than where it was yesterday.  I was created by and FOR him! When I find myself safe, when I find myself blessed, when I find myself healthy, when I prosper, and even when I have trials..... that is FOR the God of the universe. When I achieve some merit of success as a mother, wife, teacher, friend, etc. those things are not for me.  Sure I enjoy the benefits from them but the purpose of those things are not for me.  Those things occur FOR God- to bring glory to his name, to inspire my adoration and worship, to give him pleasure, to fill his heart.  He chooses those things for himself!  He chooses me for himself!  He created me and loves me for himself!  That changes my perspective in a very real way.  

      "For by him all things were created, things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities, all things were created by him and for him." Colossians 1:16

      "Our God is in heaven, he does whatever pleases him." Psalms 115:3  



       

37 things I'm thankful for...

   



                Last week I had a birthday and turned 37.  I love having a birthday but I do admit that some birthdays feel harder emotionally than others.  So to combat the birthday blues I decided to make a list of things that I have been thankful to have, do, or learn during my 37 year journey. (these are not listed in order of importance!)

#1.  Electricity

#2.  Plumbing/Running water- outhouses and portapotties are NOT for me

#3.  Beauty found in nature

#4.  Nail polish- nothing makes me feel instantly feminine and pretty like a little coat of polish on my nails and toes

#5.  Sunday naps

#6.  Reality TV- without it I might miss teaching my kids important life lessons that hopefully they will not have to experience themselves because they have watched first hand the silliness and bad example of others

#7.  Saturday shopping at my favorite stores

#8.  Colorado mountains- instantly they made me aware of my smallness in this world and feel in awe of God

#9.  Driveway dates on a beautiful evening with my neighbor across the street

#10. Music- I love how there is usually always a song that can match a memory or create/express emotion within the listener

#11.  A job that has good benefits and great team colors:   ORANGE! POWER! 

#12.  My church- it is a great place with great people

#13.  Ridiculous SYFY movies

#14.  The power of imagination- it is highly entertaining and inspiring to watch children use theirs

#15.  That my kids still ask me to snuggle

#16. Dogs- they are so loving and accepting

#17.  Good hair products

#18.  My experience at Mayo Demonstration School working with the most creative, forward thinking, and hard working staff I have ever met or had the privilege to work with.

#19.  Beaches (both the movie and the destination)

#20.  Being part of a family

#21.  My children- through them I have an understanding of God's love for me and and an instant appreciation of my parents mixed with regret for being a bit of a difficult child myself

#22. Earrings- they instantly "jazz" up an outfit

#23.  My husband- I need someone to lovingly tell me no one uses the word "jazz" that way anymore

#24.  My thirties- during them I have realized how utterly foolish, insecure, and aimless I was in my twenties

#25.  Grace and Forgiveness- that God extends it to me and that I have learned the healing power/miracle that happens when I extend it to others

#26.  Laughter- an instant stress reliever and awkward situation diffuser

#27.  My Freshman Keyboarding class in high school

#28.  Time spent with girl friends (Aqua Zumba, walks, lunch dates, garage sales, road trips, game nights, etc)

#29.  The enjoyment and benefit I have found in reading the Bible daily

#30.  My marriage- the worst and best, hardest and easiest, most frustrating and most rewarding thing I have ever entered into.

#31.  Healthy fear- the older I get the more I wash my hands, think about germs, and act in a more wise and cautious manner than I did as a kid

#32.  Love- my word for the year!

#33.  Lifelong friends who knew me when, know me now, and love me still

#34.  The opportunities I have had to work with children and families that live with delays or disabilities.  They have changed me for the better, grown my heart,  and enriched me in a way I never thought possible.

#35.  Growing up in a home that taught me about Jesus

#36.  Having learned that my walk with God is not about being religious, ritualistic, or good enough but is about engaging in a real and honest relationship with him

#37.  Another day of breath in my lungs and good health-  Life is so fleeting.  Daily I read about bad things happening in this world or about a beloved friend, co-worker, or family member passing on.    Another day granted to me on this earth is another day to love Jesus, love others, make a difference, and appreciate the goodness and people that surround me everyday!

Thank you Lord, for this first 37 years and I pray you grant me more than another 37 years on this earth to continue growing, learning, and experiencing all you have planned for me.  

Wait....

Hello, my name is Errick.

I am Angela's husband, Errick.  I've felt lead to share what God tells me and so I thought I'd start a blog myself, like Angela.  It occurred to me that it would be better to share a blog than to have two separate ones, so I asked Angela if she would share this space with me and she said yes.  So here I am.

I hear God speak to me all the time; it's a normal part of my prayer time.  I pray and sometimes I don't even get to say much because the time is spent listening instead of praying.  This morning was one of those times when God revealed something to me that He's been working on for a while.  

I am a graphic designer, I do art commercially...I help companies advertise.  That tube of toothpaste had to have someone design the way it looks and the box that held it.  That's the kind of stuff I do for a living.  From time to time, my messages come in some form of analogy related to the graphics/art field.  

Anyway, I work full-time but have a firefighter t-shirt business on the side.  I love designing t-shirts.  At first, my ambitions in starting this business were solely money driven but God has changed my heart and now I realize I don't need to focus on money and monetary things.  I focus on God and the money thing just works like it needs to, I've given God charge over everything in my life... including my t-shirt business.  

I'm starting my fourth year of business and just prepared the company's portion of our taxes for 2012.  I launched in 2009 and found some success but that year was mostly getting things off the ground.  2010 & 2011 were fairly good years, nothing to brag about, but good for the amount of work that I put into this venture.  Last year was not such a good year.  I knew I wasn't doing good because the shirts were not selling and I prayed several times that God would bless my business, but this was also the year my heart was changed so I thought it was like a test.  Could I really let go of money and see my company wither?  Turns out I can.

Last year Angela's minivan (which I hated like it was the devil) died.  Good news there, but we had to replace it.  We live comfortably but we are by no means rich.  Angela's a school teacher and I'm paid like one too.  We needed to come up with some money for a car and we don't like car payments.  If we had to take one, it needed to be small.  Angela and I had some old IRA accounts from past jobs that were not performing so we cashed them out and used the money as a down payment.  That was a blessing.  Angela and I love the Rav4, that's another blessing. Our car payment is very manageable, that's a blessing.  

So here's the part that inspired me to write today.  Cashing in those IRA's blessed us with a vehicle but hurts us on our taxes because it's viewed as extra income.  My t-shirt company made a profit last year of $7.88... it dawned on me that actually is a blessing.  God did hear my prayers; He is in control.  The t-shirt company's profit along with the cost of my schooling will really help offset the money we "earned" from the IRA's.  

God revealed this to me and then spoke something I've heard, and sang, all my life... "They that wait upon The Lord will renew their strength, they shall mount up on wings like eagles.  They shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.  Teach me Lord, teach me Lord to wait."  That finally made sense to me today.  In my company it looked like I was failing, but I waited on The Lord.  What do I have to show for it?  Money no longer leaking away, a new vehicle, a tax offset and revived trust that God is in control, loves me and is looking out for me even when I pray for a whole year not understanding.

The message for today is: Trust in God and know His timing is perfect, His ways are above ours... wait upon The Lord.