Magic and Miracles

     Yesterday was my twentieth last day of school and it was hands down the best last day ever!  In fact this last week of school has been such a wonderful experience with little celebrations happening every afternoon.  I am not exaggerating when I tell you that these kids were the best group of students in my twenty years of teaching.  There was a little bit of magic in this group.  Everyday they showed up with fantastic attitudes, smiles on their faces, and ready to learn.  They vocalized their appreciation every day.  They gave hugs and high fives freely to each other and to me.  If one student was having a struggle, two others would come around them with encouraging words and a readiness to help.  Every where we went, teachers and administrators complimented them.  Like I said, there was a little bit of magic in the combination of this group and I will admit that I needed that magic.  I needed that magic- to see it, feel it, learn to believe in it again. I need it like I needed air to breath.  That magic is what made brought me back to life.

     I would be lying if I said the last two and a half years were not a struggle.  I would also be lying if I said that teaching was a breeze before Covid.  It wasn't. Before Covid I could see that things were changing and that the changes were making it harder to do the job I love.  The behavior in the classroom was getting harder and harder to manage.  The list of to dos were only growing longer and time to do them in shorter and shorter.  Then Covid happened.  As teachers we had to learn new ways of doing things, almost overnight.  We had to be virtual teaching experts and let's state the obvious here....teaching children is NOT done best in a completely virtual format.  Yet we persevered and I am glad that I have technology skills that I didn't have before.  In some ways, the era of virtual teaching allowed me to breath easier.  While it was a challenge to keep kids engaged through a screen, I enjoyed finding new ways to engage them and be creative.  If I am truly keeping it real, I could breath easier and be more creative because I wasn't dealing with the grind of disruptive behaviors that derail a lesson, a morning, an afternoon, or even a day! Teaching during Covid made me see that class size does make a difference.  The AB schedule where I was teaching only 12 kids at a time was much more successful for kids than being all day everyday in a small classroom with 20-25 other students.  I could do more for them and with them.  Downfall, those 12 students only saw me in person two days a week.  It was hard to make the personal connection students and teachers truly need in just two days a week.  

    I think the worst of the changes in teaching that happened since March 2020 has been the strain on the parent teacher relationship and the decline in teacher morale.  Parents held the burden of being a parent, working during an extremely difficult time, and then coteaching with us at home.  It was overwhelming and I get that, I'm a parent too.  It was not fair to them.  It is our job as the teacher to motivate students six hours a day to meet their learning goals but not being with them in person made that a huge struggle.  Now that job fell to parents and they struggled with managing the pushback from their kids to do the work at home.  In reality they should only have to manage the pushback from their kids about chores and such so again that was not fair to them. Sadly over time, this struggle created an absenteeism crisis.  Students wouldn't come to virtual sessions, didn't turn in virtual work, and there was no way to really hold accountability so kids missed more and more.  I will say that the remnants of this crisis has rolled over to this year as well, even though we were in person all year long.  Motivating students feels harder now than ever.  Getting some students to come to school is a struggle.  It's like school for some, has become option not a requirement.  I know of students that missed almost the equivalent of an entire nine weeks this year.  That's 45 days!  Motivating them to persevere and complete work can be an uphill climb some days.  Difficult behaviors have increased. Paper work is through the roof! Then you add in the rhetoric and behaviors that have swirled around about everything from masks to book content and the attitude towards teachers and their profession feels like it is worse than before.  The pressure for teachers to close the gap for students is at an all time high.  On top of that it feels like in every direction our hands are being tied while we are being scrutinized, devalued, and judged.   Now enters the teacher retention crisis.  Teachers are exiting this year in droves and the number of newly graduated teachers waiting and excited to take their place is shrinking.  Sadly, no one has good answers to either crisis we are facing. So those who stay are left to continue working hard and will pray and hope that consistency with in person learning, good communication, and partnership with families over time will heal the wounds on all of our hearts.  

    So when I say that I needed magic, what I am really saying is that I needed a miracle.  At the end of last year, I brought all of my teaching stuff home and decided I would look for a new job.  I applied to jobs.  I went to several interviews over the summer.  I didn't get the jobs.  I began the 2021-2022 school year ready to give a new crop of first graders what they needed but with the heaviest of hearts.  Then twenty one little people entered the door of my room and brought with them a freshness.  They were little blank slates excited to be in school for the first time in a long time. They worked hard all year and always had the best attitude. Their attitude affected my attitude.  These twenty one little souls showed me the magic again.  They were the miracle that God knew I needed.  I will be forever grateful for them and for their parents.    I know I am a lucky teacher for having known them.  I feel even more lucky that I ended my years of teaching on such a wonderful note.  I have accepted a position as Instructional Coach in my building for next year.  I will still see kids and work with them but it won't be in the same capacity that I have the last twenty years.  I understand now that the applications that were rejected and the jobs I didn't get were all part of the plan.  I would have missed my miracle, I wouldn't have seen the magic. Nora Roberts has said, "Magic exists.  Who can doubt it, when there are rainbows and wildflowers, the music of wind and the silence of the stars?  Anyone who has loved has been touched by magic.  It is such a simple and such an extraordinary part of the lives we live."  Thank you little ones for loving learning, loving me, and bringing the magic.  Thank you God for the miracle.  

    

To Know and be Known- a look at the woman at the well (John 4)

     Preface:  I have to say that I wrote the first half of this post in June of 2020 and saved it as a draft.  I totally forgot that I stopped when I got to writing part 2 because I felt like I didn't quite yet know what to say.  When I checked back in today, I saw that I needed to finish so know that this post is officially one year and 6  months in the making.  It probably shouldn't have taken this long but here it goes....

John Chapter 4:    This chapter has taken me a while to digest.  I have read it before and heard sermons on the woman at the well.  Those experiences left me with a sense that the topic felt both familiar and unfamiliar to me.  Familiar in that the main focus of this chapter always seems to be on the woman, her five husbands, and the separation from her community that her lifestyle has created for her.  Unfamiliar in that it seemed there was something bigger than her sin , and Jesus' acknowledgment of it, to focus on bubbling under the surface of the text.  As I read and reread day after day, something was saying look deeper, see it  with new eyes, see it from the heart, ask "why is this moment in Jesus' ministry important enough for John to write about?"  I read, I thought, and I have sat on it for well over a month.  I don't know if I will do my thoughts, feelings, and insights justice but I have to start somewhere.   

Part one: To know

        What jumps out to me is this idea of knowing and being known.  Here we see Jesus at the well, resting from travel.  A woman comes up to draw water from the well for her own water jug.  Jesus says to her "Give me a drink."  Immediately, she rebukes him for asking her, a Samaritan woman, for water when he is a Jew.  She seems suspicious of his willingness to see and engage her.   He responds to her by rebuking her, he says that if she had KNOWN who was asking her for water, she would be asking him for a drink.  At the onset of the meeting,it is clear that this woman is well aware of her place.  She is aware of what makes her undesirable, what flaws her in the eyes of others.  Instead of accepting that Jesus sees her without judgement, she is up front immediately about what makes her less than. She is pushing him away before he can insult her, she has her guard up. She KNOWS who she is and how she is viewed and she wants him to KNOW the same.  In response, Jesus wants her to KNOW him and to KNOW what it is that he offers.   

       

        Isn't this a perfect reflection of what we do when we meet Jesus?  Whether it be the first time we meet him or after years of sitting in a church pew as a devoted follower, when he shows up to engage with us isn't her reaction exactly how we react?  I know it's been mine.  When Jesus shows up with his grace and love, my first reaction sometimes is a bit of a "talk to the hand" one.  I try and shut him down.  If he persists, I go into telling him exactly why he shouldn't love me.  I explain why he needs to just move on to someone else better.  I tell him my long list of flaws and mistakes, all the things I think he should KNOW about me that make me unworthy of what he is offering.  I am completely honest with him, fully expecting him to agree with me about how bad I am, judge me, and then reject me. But just as he did not reject this Samaritan woman, he does not reject me. 

Part two: To be known

      Jesus tells the woman to go and get her husband.  She replies that she has no husband.  He looks right at her and says "You are right in saying 'I have no husband'; for you have had five husbands, and the one you now have is not your husband."  Can you imagine that moment?  Can you see the two of them, together at the well, she just having tried her best to slight herself in his eyes and then he straight forward looks right at her and tells her the truth about herself.  I imagine that he held her gaze with loving intensity.  I imagine that she saw in those eyes all that she had ever wanted to see in the eyes of each of her five husbands but probably never did.  I imagine that she held her breath from the shock of the pureness of being truly known.  You see I think Jesus revealing and John writing about her five husbands was not to shame the woman.  I believe it was to show the rest that comes from the realization that in Jesus we are truly known.  Going through five husbands had surely taken its toll on the woman.  For whatever reasons that those marriages had failed, the very fact that this woman kept marrying shows that she desperately wanted to be known and loved by someone, anyone, maybe even the wrong one.  She needed someone to see her, live with her, walk along side her to give her life validation, meaning and purpose. Five husbands and currently living with a man tells me this woman was desperate for another person to look into her eyes and SEE her.  For someone to look into that place inside her where all of who she is bundles together and actually KNOW her and value her.  That day, she looked into the eyes of Jesus and there it was, the truth and rest of being deeply known and on top of that being accepted as valuable, as worthy.

        She replies that she perceives he is a prophet.  She is making an admission that he is someone more than just a man.  As the conversation continues, she tells him that she knows that the Messiah will come and tell all things.  Jesus replies to her knowledge "I who speak to you am he."  Now imagine with me the joy she must have felt in that bundled up place inside of her.  This man whose gaze and words were holding her heart, making her feel like something bigger was happening, just revealed who he was.  He made himself KNOWN to her.  Her response?.... she left her water jug.  She was at the well for water but the truth of being truly KNOWN left her so satisfied and excited that she left the very vessel that was supposed to hold the thing she had come for.  She had been filled instead with a spiritual water that was seeping into the driest and deepest parts of her, in fact seeping in so deep and quick that it felt like it was overflowing and she just had to let others know.  She went into town to tell others of Jesus and how he KNEW all that she had ever done.  Because of what she said, what they say on her face, and heard in her voice others came to see Jesus for themselves.  They asked him to stay just based on what the woman had said.  I imagine it was because they too deeply wanted to be seen, known, and valued.  Jesus stayed with them two days and at the end of his time with them the people said they no longer just believed based on the what the woman at the well said but because they had heard themselves and now believed that this was indeed the Savior of the world.  They had become KNOWN by Jesus and his identity and truth had become KNOWN to them.  What absolute joy!

        Jesus wants to be KNOWN to us in the deepest part of ourselves.  He wants to be known for being the Savior of the world, the creator of our hearts, the lover of who we are in the quiet parts of our soul.  He wants to be KNOWN and accepted as the sacrifice for our sinful self and that when we look at him, we see that sacrifice as a worthy one.  He wants us to follow him and develop relationship with him from this knowledge. Of course he KNOWS the list of things that make us unacceptable but when we look into his eyes I believe we will find ourselves KNOWN for not just the unacceptable but all the things that are lovely and acceptable.  We will be KNOWN for our whole selves and loved for all the parts of it.  There is a rest in that.  

        This chapter made me think that perhaps I still reside most often in the place where I am pushing him away rather than letting the truth of his love seep in.  It revealed my need to live more in the realization that I am fully KNOWN and accepted in his presence.  When I can learn to live more often in that space, it is there that Jesus becomes fully KNOWN to me.  Then that bundled up place where the threads of who I am were knit together become flooded with the spiritual waters and I feel free satiated and free, just like the woman at the well. 

Love that saves the world

      I am very familiar with the verse John 3:16, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."(ESV)  I learned it when I was a young girl sitting in a Sunday school class.  This verse was a pillar of my faith journey,  First I was able to hear the verse, then memorize it, proclaim belief in it, and finally recite it for others.  It is the most beautiful verse that reveals God's heart for us and the depth of his love.  I did not really anticipate that rereading John chapter 3 would be very revealing to me. I thought I would breeze through this chapter with nothing new to learn or think about. I was wrong of course and that mistake has made me appreciate again how the word of God is alive and speaks to me in new ways every time that I stop to read it and really open my heart to it. 
       Over this past year, it has troubled me when I have heard about famous pastors or worship leaders who have professed their disbelief in a God that they have spent most of their lives loving and serving. When I read articles about why they no longer believe, some of them talk about how they just can't believe in a God who would punish or condemn people to hell. They can no longer believe in a God who is angry and wrathful, who will create man and then condemn man to suffer punishment.  It is almost like they now see God as more happy to condemn than to happy to love.  In my heart, I know that this is not the God I serve. I know that he loves the world, John 3:16 spells it out so plainly, yet I have not had a clear answer to this question of why a loving and good God condemns us. However, as I read verses 17-21 again this week, where Jesus himself speaks of condemnation, it is here that my heart feels it has found an answer. An answer that these questioning pastors and worship leaders are searching for when looking out at a world that only seems to reflect suffering, greed, anger, division, and loss.
      While reading John 3:16-21, I was reminded that God's only plan is to show his love for me and to save me.  He does not wish me to perish but he wishes that I have eternal life. His desire to save me stems from a truth that I, and maybe those who are falling away, have forgotten.  The truth that God is good and in his goodness he wants what is good for me but it is I that desire the opposite.  I am like the child who wants to do all the things mom and dad tell me I can't and God is the parent who wishes to protect me and prevent me from harming myself. Condemnation is not found in Jesus but is found in me.  I am condemned only by the nature of my own heart to love darkness and reject truth.  Jesus himself said it this way,

"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.  Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God.  And this is the judgement: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil.  For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed.  But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God." 

and if Jesus said this, then I can trust that it comes straight from God because Jesus only said what God his Father told him to say while he was here on earth.

        God has known since the garden that the heart of man bends towards its own will and way.  He was there when Adam and Eve disobeyed him by eating the fruit. He understood that it was their selfish desire and rejection of his instruction that caused consequence to them.  This rejection and selfishness is in the bible again before the flood. The bible says that man had corrupted its own way and caused violence on the earth.  After the flood when God was making his covenant with Noah, God said "the intention of man's heart is evil from his youth" (Gen. 9:21 ESV).  If God only desires wrath, he would have just left it there.  He would have left man to his corrupted way, to endure the natural consequences of his corrupted actions, and God would have been overjoyed in punishing man with eternal condemnation.  However, the verses after John 3:16 say otherwise.  These verses show me that God's plan is to save me and every person on this earth from ourselves.  Do I have to let go of my love of darkness? Yes.  I have to let go of loving myself, of being selfish and putting my own pleasure ahead of loving him, following him, and serving others.  Do I have to believe in Jesus? Yes.  I have to believe that Jesus came to fulfill this plan of love and salvation.  I have to believe that he is the artifact that proves that God desires me for relationship with him and wants me with him forever. Do I have to come to the light? Yes.  I have to come to Jesus of my own understanding and desire.  I have to love him and accept his truth.  The truth that God is for me.  God loves me.  God desires relationship.  God wants good for me, he wants to save me. God wants me to be with him forever.
         I take comfort in the words of Jesus which reveal God's heart and his plan.  His words are the truth I need to see when the world tries to say that God is something he very clearly is not. Jesus' words are the answer to the question "Why would a good and loving God condemn his creation?" Jesus tells us a good and loving God does the exact opposite of that.  He saves his children, just like I want to save mine when I see them making the wrong choice.  He loves his children and understands their nature, just like I love and understand my girls.  He gives of himself, of his life to protect his children- just like I would give my life to protect mine.  Knowing this about God causes me to rush into his arms, to believe in his Son and his plan, and to trust that I will not perish after my days on this earth are done.  I have found the answer that fills and quiets my heart during times of question and uncertainty and hopefully this answer will fill and quiet your heart too.               
       
       

Motherhood and Wine

     These quarantined days of motherhood are not for the faint of heart.  Mothers everywhere are now faced with one more hat to juggle, that of the teacher.  Certainly the hats of productive employee, domestic goddess, dutiful wife, and mother of the year were quite enough to juggle before but now... teacher?  It's enough to drive a woman to drink a good glass of wine (or two or three) for all the wrong reasons.
      In John chapter 2, Jesus finds himself at a wedding celebration with his mother and his disciples when the wine reserved for the wedding festivities runs out.  Wine at a Jewish wedding is symbolic.  It represents sanctity, separation, blessing, joy, and celebration.  To run out of it is indeed a bad thing.  Mary, Jesus' mother, comes to him and tells him, "They have no wine." (vs 3).  Go with me a moment as I imagine the beginning of this miracle from a mother's point of view.
      As a mother, I look at my children and I see all that is possible for them.  I see into their hearts and eyes and I know exactly what they are capable of.  Wanting to be a good mother, I feel it is my job to push them to their full potential, to encourage them to try the very thing that they think they cannot or should not do.  I feel this gravity of responsibility on me all the time to guide them into the best version of themselves. (I believe this is part of why this extra hat of teacher in these times of quarantine is driving all of us to the brink of our sanity.  Teachers have always helped us with this task we find so important.  Teachers are our partner for growing our child's potential- for motivating them to do big things, helping them stay focused, and encouraging them to give their best effort. They share our burden.)  I imagine this is what Mary was feeling as the wine ran out and she relayed the problem to Jesus.  I imagine that in the depth of her being, from the moment of his birth, Mary believed in Jesus as Lord.  She knew in her bones that he was capable of so much, she was ready to push him to his potential.  His response? "Woman, what does this have to do with me?  My hour has not come." (vs. 4) Not to be disrespectful to the miracle, but to a degree this makes me chuckle.  It  reminds me of my own teenagers when I ask them to do a task that they either do not want to do or don't see themselves as ready for.  Still Mary did not lose her focus.  She told the servants "Do whatever he tells you." (vs. 5)  In my mind, her statement to the servants, spoken where I am sure Jesus could overhear her, was her good momma statement of encouragement to her child.  It was also her faith statement to him..."You may not think your time is here, but I see you, I know you can do this, I trust in your, I believe in who you are and that you are sent from God to do great things."  The rest of the chapter details how Jesus did indeed tell the servants to take 6 stone water jars and fill them with water.  When the servants took the water to the master, instead of water, he tasted a very good quality of wine, one that was impressive, one that was better than the wine served first.  The result of performing this first miracle of his ministry was that Jesus manifested his glory and his disciples believed in him.
           For myself as a believer reading this miracle in today's world, it stirs in my heart that a relationship with Jesus is like the new wine in the jars.  Relationship with him is richer, more full, and overflowing with good.  By giving us Jesus, God has saved his best for us.  We can spend a lot of our life tasting wines that we think are good for us (titles, money, relationship with the wrong people) but those wines always run out and leaves us disappointed.  Those wines loose their sanctity, blessing, and joy. However, when we taste this new wine, this full relationship with Jesus, we are satisfied in ways that we did not know possible.  We have sanctity, we recognize our blessings, and we feel so much real joy. So mothers of the world, let's not lose faith in our new role as teachers.  Let's press on with seeing our children's potential, in encouraging them, in being there to support them, in loving them with grace during this difficult time.  And when all the hats feel like too much and we feel like we have "run out" of our own ability, let's turn to the wine that truly satisfies before we pour that second or third glass of Moscato.  Let's run to Jesus and allow him to pour himself into us.  Let's worship him, give him thanks, speak to him with our prayers and read his word to fill our cup.  Then we will find ourselves refreshed and ready to face another day of hat wearing.  :) 

Origins

    So it's April of the 2020 Covid-19 pandemic and everything is different from what it used to be.  Changes have happened to almost every area of our daily lives from how we procure necessities like toilet paper and meat to where and how we do our jobs, how close we can stand together when we talk, how many people can be together at one time, and where we attend church.  People are wondering where the origin of this awful virus came from and when will it find its ending.
    During these weeks of social distancing, which was also leading up to Easter weekend last week, I have spent time reading through the book of John.  I read one chapter a day and spent time highlighting and digging deeper into the things that spoke to my heart.  I decided that after I had read through the book, and if we were still social distancing, I would go back and reread it again, only this time I would give life to my thoughts and record them here on this blog.  So today is the origin of the journey of documenting my walk with Jesus through the book of John.
     The word origin is defined as "the point or place where something begins, arises, or derives," (Merriam-Webster), "the point at which something comes into existence," (Free dictionary), and "the beginning or cause of something." (Cambridge) Upon my first reading of John, I noticed that John did not begin the way other gospels began.  He did not give an account of the lineage of Jesus, thus establishing the origin of his right to Kingship, as in the Gospel of Matthew.  He did not describe the steps taken before Jesus began his ministry, thus showing the origin of that ministry, as in the Gospel of Mark. He did not lay out the foretelling by angels of the births of both John the Baptist and Jesus, thus establishing the origin of order that fulfilled prophecy, as in the Gospel of Luke. Even though John's Gospel began differently, upon this second reading of the first chapter I can see that is is clearly a story of origin as well.
     John's opening in John 1:1-5 details the origin of Jesus before coming to be God with us, God made flesh, our Emmanuel.  These verses establish Jesus as being in heaven with God at the very beginning. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was in the beginning with God." (John 1:1,2 ESV)  This is a deeper sense of origin than in the other gospels. An origin before our time and space began. John's words then go on to show us a beautiful picture of the origin of everything we know to be, including ourselves.  In these versus, Jesus is on display as Creator and in full authority before anything else came into being and in authority over all that came into being. He himself is the point of origin for everything.  "All things were made through him, and without him was not anything made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men." (John 1:3,4 ESV)
      Those four verses are packed with establishing the origin of Jesus as sovereign over all but it is verse 5 that gives me the most comfort and hope in these troubling times of pandemic.  After setting Jesus's role as life and establishing that this life is the light of men, verse 5 goes on to say that "the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."  This is a truth that right now is important to keep in perspective and hold on to.  I can take comfort that Jesus was before the beginning of things and that he created all things through himself but, I can also take comfort in knowing that his life, his light was not, has not, and will not be overcome by darkness.  Because I believe in him and in the one who sent him, that same light/his light resides in me.  When I feel fear or uncertainty at what will be, when theories of the origin of Covid-19 try to keep me up at night, when I fret about how long this period of time will last and will all the people I love endure, I can be encouraged that darkness does not have authority to overcome light.  I do not have to allow the light in me to be swallowed up by the fear, division, and destruction darkness wants to cause.
       I am grateful to these five verses written by John and their establishment of Jesus' origin . First, these verses increase my faith of who has watch and care over me. Second, they realign my perspective and thoughts when the world around me is teeming with chaos. Last, these verses and especially verse 5 increase my hope that we will not be trapped in a time of loss forever.  Times right now are sad, they are bad, and they may or will increase in sadness and loss but that will not be the last word. Darkness does not get to have the last word, light does.  Light had the first word and it will have the last. So with that knowledge, I will do my best to share the light, spread hope and love, use the wisdom God gave me to listen to doctors and make good decisions, and trust in him when I don't understand all the rest.   
 

Juggling all the way to Breakdown Express

          Hands down one of the most insane time in a teacher's year is the week of parent teacher conferences.  There is an unbelievable amount of prep work that is needed in order to have a twenty minute conversation about a student's progress.  Weeks before the prep work for the conference even begin, a teacher has spent time giving and analyzing numerous assessments in various content areas which allow the formulation of a grade which then goes on a report card.  Transferring that data onto a computerized form then takes about five minutes a child (I know because I timed it).  On top of that, the teacher has made sure every student has taken the mandated "testing" needed to rate the student in reading and math.  Teachers have collected work samples, printed off report after report, collected needed lists, and created conference notes.  They then spend time organizing those items into folders so that they are prepared and efficient when it is time to meet with the parents.  All while being responsible for this, and expected to get EVERY parent to show up to a conference, teachers are still required to teach content (and be responsible for between 20 to 35 kids) for 6.5 hours a day.  So the regular expectations for the job still apply.  You know what else still applies?  The regular expectations of life.  A teacher's bills still need to be paid, dinner still needs to be made, the house still needs cleaning, the lawn still needs mowing, spouses still need connection and quality time, sons and daughters still need to be at practice on time or supported during games or concerts.  This is a HUGE thing and DIFFICULT thing to juggle.  Change the name of the profession and the list of responsibilities and the results will be no different.  Juggling work and family for any adult is unbelievably hard and insane at times.
            It is during these times that I feel most emotionally vulnerable.  Probably because of the fast pace of life at the time and the lack of sleep, but my mind and heart become more sensitive to seeing all the ways of how I am failing at this juggling act.  Realizing how much my husband steps in to help me with the house and kids and then receiving his attentive concern and care for me at the end of a long day makes me feel terrible instead of loved and cared for.  Realizing that I might not have even checked in with my kid to see how her day or practice was makes me feel neglectful.  My mind and heart focus not on the good things I'm doing or receiving from others but begins to hyper focus on the ways I am "letting others down."  Throw in well meaning family members judgment about the choices you are making for your family and well............ you can just hear the emotional breakdown coming from a mile away.   
           That's what I felt this year during conference week.  Mid week of conferences I could see myself standing on that platform just waiting for the train to come in.  I was feeling the exhaustion, feeling the fight and the anxiety of white knuckling my week and working feverishly to stay on top of it all.  All the while waiting for my appointed time to board the breakdown express and have a good cry over what a failure I was at life.  One morning on the way to work, I realized that my heart was clouded with negativity and it really was not serving me well.  I realized I did not want a ticket on the Breakdown Express.  I wanted to take back control of my thoughts and my heart but I didn't know how.  That's when I was reminded of the title of this blog "my heart for his."  I stopped and asked myself "Angela, Do you really want that?  Do you really want God's heart?  Do you want to see your life and the people in it from his perspective and not yours? Is your blog title just that, a cute title or is it your desire- to be more like Christ and less like yourself?"  In that moment, I opened up my hands and I said to God "I surrender this heart of mine to you.  I want to exchange this clouded, negative, sad heart for yours.  I am standing here trying to crush this heart in my hands and I don't want that anymore.  Please give me your heart for mine.  Take my painful and broken heart and give me your whole one.  I just can't do this without you."  
            I would love to say that after that moment, the list of responsibilities changed and instantly I was absolved of all the to dos and expectations that were wearing me down but that didn't happen.  What did happen was that my heart received a peace, a fullness of love, and a rest from the negativity.  My focus and perspective shifted from seeing my failures to seeing all the ways that God's love was alive and caring for me through the kindness of others.  Every idle, negative, good for nothing thought was taken captive and I felt renewed to be an active participant in the story God was writing for my life. I was reminded that I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be surrendered.  His grace is enough.  
            If you are struggling today, I encourage you to surrender to the love of Christ.  He won't tell you that you are a failure.  He won't hold up a list of all the things you are doing wrong.  He loves you completely.  He sees you as perfect.  He wants to walk with you, partner with you, work through you.  He wants to share in your struggles, in your joys, in your life.  Trust him today, you will not regret it.          

"Three years will give you such a pain in the heart!"

       I honestly cannot believe that it has been three years and four months since my last post.  I mean I know that I have drifted away from writing, even though my fingers have longed to type so many times and my heart has pinned to pour itself out onto a page, but three years????  If you have ever watched the Disney movie Aladdin, then you know the title of this post is a spin on Genie's famous words as he is finally freed from his lamp.  He says "Ten thousand years can give you such a crick in the neck!" Well, turns out three years of living can give you such a pain in the heart!  In fact it seems sometimes that one minute, one hour, one day, one week, one month, one year can give you a pain in the heart.  Just LIVING comes with having pains of the heart and let's be honest, those pains of the heart can at times leave us immobile.  We move but we are unable to move forward.  Life keeps moving forward and physically we are moving forward but inside our heart we are stuck.  It only takes the smallest of events to begin a hemorrhaging of pain simply because we cannot stand to look the pain in the eye and give it a name.  Instead, we begin living a life where on the outside we appear to have a pulse but on the inside we are dead.  
      These last three years have taken me on a journey I did not expect.  I am estranged from my father.  I lost an entire support group of friends I called "family".  I watched someone I love fall headfirst into the deep throws of addiction.  I watched the heaviness of depression steal joy from my child.  It seems I can jump from one day feeling like I have things together to being painfully aware that in a split second my pain from the past or present can take the driver's seat and derail my life. However, with time, space, and Jesus, I am slowly moving forward.  I am making better choices for myself.  I set boundaries in my relationships with others and I hold to it.  I am working to CHOOSE the lens in which I see things and events, to remember what really matters.  I do my best now to name the pain as it comes.... abandonment, rejection, disappointment, judgment, self hate.....  because When I give name to the pain, it comes out of hiding into the place of light.  In the light, Jesus can minister to my pain.  He shows me where the pain originates from and then helps me to deal with it.  If I leave the pain hidden, it consumes me and rules me.  I am not in control the pain is and I do not make good choices when pain is running the show. But when I surrender to the light and I trust Jesus to run the show, I can breathe, I am alive.  I have rest and I am at peace.  Right now in my journey, I am not perfect at this art of surrendering my pain and I may never be perfect at it but then again Jesus doesn't expect perfection.  I am so thankful for that.  

Until the next time (which I hope will not be three years),
Angela  


"For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord, Walk as children of the light for the fruit of  light is found in all that is good and right and true, and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord.  Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them."- Ephesians 5:8-11